When Doors Close

She said she never wanted to talk to me ever again.

That was over the phone and if it was in person it would have ended with a door slamming in my face. The comment felt much worse than a door hitting me in the face, it was like getting stabbed in the gut. I imagine getting stabbed in the gut feels much worse than in the back, especially if I know the person.

She hung up on me after saying she never wanted to talk to me ever again and I immediately thought I was going to throw up in my car. Instead I did something worse, I sent some pathetic text messages, emails and facebook mesages trying to reopen the door. Thankfully, she never responded and blocked me on facebook so I could not self-implode more.

I had sold my soul for her and then it was pitifully returned to me in more little pieces than before. It wasn't her fault though, it was mine.

I don't even think we were dating anymore before that conversation. She had officially broken up with me weeks before, but I told her I wanted to be "friends", which was a lie. If I wanted to be her friend I would have let her go and moved on, maybe chatted on occassion if it was necessary. Instead, my version of friendship was basically being a vulture waiting for some road kill.

I could grow a beautiful garden to eat from, but as I did not love myself, I believed waiting for some scraps was a better option. I was a total disaster on the inside and had nothing to offer myself, so just one minute a day of validation from someone else was better than nothing.

In the end, I was the road kill, except I was still alive to feel being pecked at by birds and ran over again by new cars.

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I was desperate. Desperate not to be alone. Desperate to be validated as a man or even a human being. Desperate for someone to say they loved me because I did not love myself. So, when I heard "I love you" from her I immediately sold myself out and did whatever she wanted.

I stopped all hobbies, working out, reading, communicating with friends and basically going to work even. I would get annoyed anytime I had to do something where we had to be apart. I was addicted to her validation. I disregarded anything she did that annoyed me or I did not like, I was a gumby.

Of course, that is also what caused her to look differently at me, disconnect, withdraw and eventually go off on me, call me a pussy, break up with me and otherwise remove me from her life. She was of course totally right about me. I was not a man, I was some entity sucking her energy - a vampire.

I thought if I did everything she wanted, I was always there, I never said 'no', I was nice, I was sweet, I was "good enough", then I'd get her validation and then I would feel ok about myself. Problem being, that's impossible for both parties. I would not always be 'perfect' and she couldn't ever constantly validate my self-worth.

All of my relationships up to that time had been co-dependent like that - either I was the bottom and she was the top or vice versa. Whatever it was, it could never work. Two broken people do not equal one whole person in any universe. Not that healthy people don't have down times where the other can help, it is not a requirement or the basis of the relationship.

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My immediate reaction to getting dumped was to start looking for someone else new to fill the gaping void in my center of mass, it was more than a hole in my heart or chest, I was as empty as possible. In the past it would have been drugs, but since kicking that habit I had also tried new things - money, overworking, triathlon and relationships.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results and getting into another relationship at that point would have been insane for sure. I knew from the pain I was at yet another bottom, this time it was a emotionally crushing bottom, albeit sober and one I could not blame on drugs or anything else.

One door closes and another opens. I hated hearing that because it was true. So, I had to look forward and walk through that new door, even though I had no clue what it was or where it was going. I could either give up and live a life of quiet desperation or have the courage to face the fear and walk forward.

I decided to do something different. Maybe it's maturity of some sort, maybe it was divine intervention, maybe I recognized my problem for once and made the correct choice. It's hard to remember but I think I got advice from someone older and wiser than myself that I was the problem, not her, and until I fix my problem I should not be in any relationship.

"No relationships" was not the advice I wanted to hear, it certainly was the advice I needed to be told. Normally I would have ignored said advice and done something stupid, I guess that's the point in the story where I can accept some positive responsibility - I listened.

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I made a challenge to myself  - no relationships and no sexual activity (including self) for one year. Also, I needed to quit smoking, but quitting smoking was way easier than quitting relationships and sex. Quitting smoking, drugs, sugar or whatever doesn't necessarily mean I have to change anything but that behavior.

My problem was myself, my low self-esteem, my needing another person to "complete me", my giving up my sense of self-worth to the opinion of another. I was not okay in my own skin at all at really any time in life. I removed the drugs but I still had the same problem - me.

I needed to go on a hero's journey and do my 40 days in the desert to learn who I really am, why I am here, what I have to offer and how to maintain my integrity and personal health in all relationships.

I could not have done any real self-introspection, self-work or made any meaningful changes if constantly dating or in a relationships during that period. So, just like drug rehab I put myself in relationship rehab.

The year I took "off" really went by quickly. I can't say I ever felt bad or that it was hard, maybe lonely at times was the worst thing. Yet, I knew I had to learn to be alone and love myself before even considering opening the door again.

I made a commitment to my personal and mental health. It tried new things I was scared of. I learned how to cook enough not to need to eat out. I read a lot of books. I meditated daily, sometimes more than once. I did a lot of housework and yardwork. I can't say I did better at work as I knew it would be easy to go overwork and avoid myself. Basically, I spent a lot of time alone. When I did not have the kids, I was normally alone.

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When the year was up, I felt I could begin the practice of dating and relationships. I like to think of it as a practice because it is not perfect. Doctors and lawyers "practice" their vocations, so I think practicing relationships is similar. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. The key is we learn from the mistakes and make changes to be better as people and couples.

I am not always 100% positive, I still have self-doubt, I still care what other people think, I still have some hesitancy communicating how I feel, I still overreact, I still have some fears from the past. I also sometimes fall back into the old way of thinking. The difference now is it is temporary and I have proven to myself I hold the solution within me.

So, of course, "healthy" people still have issues, we are human. My definition of healthy is we have a way to deal with our problems in a positive and mature manner that is not self-destructive or hateful to others. For me, many times the positive habit I engage with is meditation. It could also be working out, eating healthy, taking to a friend, writing, taking a walk, my list of positive healthy habits in now much larger.

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From wanting to throw up in my car, broken and desperate, to where I sat this morning, meditating in my living room it's been quite a path.

There was a fork in the road from one door slamming in my face - I could have chosen to retrace the same path that I already knew or the new one where I could maybe come out a better person.

The old path, while I knew it did not work and always ended poorly, was still familiar and I knew the ups and downs. My whole life I was willing to take the major downs to get just a little bit of the ups. It's the same tradeoff with drugs, I was willing to accept the major downside for just a little bit of feeling good.

The new path was scary, it was new territory, I did not know the risks in advance - it took me out of my illusions of control. There were and are still bumps in the road, there always will be. I do not control other people, I can't make sure they always love me or even like me, I can't guarantee they will be around forever. I do know I will always be with myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

I have my moments where I have self-doubt, fears, get my feelings hurt and am not the perfect man. I now know I have a reservoir of experience and a home to go inside of myself where I can work on those things. I trust myself. Simply sitting, meditating, breathing I know I am not perfect, I am not in control, but I am doing the best I can in this moment to be the best man I can and for once that is good enough to me.

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If you like this, please buy my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle or paperback through Amazon.

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

You are an Atomic Reactor

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. Have no fear for atomic energy, 'Cause none of them can stop the time." - Bob Marley

In the Redemption Song, I believe Bob Marley is speaking of the eternal time that IS, not 8am Central Standard Time. Atomic energy, or really its' misuse, could one day end human clock time, but it can never destroy the eternal "Isness" or existence of the universe. 

In thinking about atomic energy (or any large topic) I try and bring it back to a personal level for myself to understand it. How is this a metaphor for my personal life and what can I learn from it to help others. 

In a basic sense, I am an atomic reactor. I consume "exterior" inputs, split atoms, and create something from them. Everything has an input and an output, whether I acknowledge it, notice it or not. Nothing stays the same inside me, it always undergoes constant transformation - there is no static or neutral affect. I can transform good things to better things just as I can transform "bad" things to good things. 

How I transform things is based on how powerful my spirit is. If I am weak in spirit it will be very difficult to transform bad things to good things as that takes a lot of energy. Sometimes I can input so many bad things the spirit breaks, the mind breaks, the body breaks and then bad things get worse. 

The most simple illustration is eating. I consume food, split the atoms in my digestive track and transform the food into energy and waste. In my past I consumed too much of the wrong kinds of food and the result was I became overfat, created a lot of waste and little useful energy. It becomes a spiral downwards, which requires a massive amount of energy to get out of. It is much easier to not be overfat in the first place than it is to lose weight. Yet, it happened to me and billions of other people.

To bring in some science, the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics states that the entropy (disorder) of a system will always increase in time. So, over time I will always become more disordered, which means I will always require more maintenance to avoid disorder and then more energy to restore order to the disordered system. Think of a business, as it grows it normally becomes more disfunctional and needs more systems, rules and managers to keep it working properly. 

I like this definition of entropy below - 'gradual decline into disorder.' That pretty much defines our human existence in our bodies, it defines our governmental systems, financial systems, school systems, family systems, relationships... If left unattended, all of those quickly devlove into disorder.

It is easier to maintain a system than to repair one. Thus, eating properly, meditating, walking, smiling, talking and being present in my relationships on a daily basis are easier to do than let them all fall apart and have to make some massive energy to correct the problems. 

I have never been so good at maintenance and many times have had to make huge efforts to correct very systematic problems with my health and relationships. A good analogy is changing the oil in a car - sure it's annoying and boring, but if not done after some time the engine blows up and then it's a costly repair versus $20 here and there.  I have to develop the discipline to do the maintenance to avoid the disaster.

Many people think I did something great by recovering from drug addiction, recovering from bankruptcy and being able to keep going and not give up in the face of disaster. Maybe that's great, I still would have preferred to never be in the place of disaster in the first place. Many of the disasters in my life could have been prevented with some basic maintenance, but I did not know any better. I did the best I could in those times as if I could have done better I would have. 

Now I know better and still find myself falling into the trap of not maintaining things. I don't think I'm special in any bad way, it's a fault of the brain and human condition. We are not made to really think that far in the future. We are not that far evolved from apes, only capable of thinking about what we need right now to survive. 

So, I have to build structure, discipline and protection for myself and my mind to avoid falling into disaster again. This is difficult, especially when things are generally going well. That's when the maintenance and discipline are the most important. I'm very good at disaster recovery, I've been doing it my whole life. Maybe there is a career or job doing that, I'd be good at it and could get paid. 

---

There is so much I do not control... you, them and everything else outside of myself. 

I start with the basics that I can control - the external inputs I allow into my body and mind. I spoke of food already, I try to eat healthy and nutrition food, that's a good start for physical and mental health. 

A more powerful form of consumption is that of the mind. This covers all of what I feed my brain with. This is a challenging form of consumption to control with all the forms of media in the world today. 

Every single image or piece of data is actually stored and logged in my mental memory banks building a warehouse of information in which my mind constructs a view of what I call "reality". Food for my mind also comes from the people I surround myself with and their "outputs". 

When I spent most of my time focused on what I saw, heard and was told  to believe about myself and the world, it was not a pretty picture. No wonder I can get overly stressed, depressed and worried. The world has something to sell and it is normally a need, want and fear to consume their product. It can be like drinking poison for my mind. I start to believe I need and want what they are selling because I will not be enough without them.

I consume all of those external "things" and through the power of the mind and body transform them into physical and mental energy. If I consume fear and negativity it requires more energy from my mind to transform it into something good. If I consume love and positivity, then there is little energy required and my mental, emotional and spiritual self is still on the path.

As Bob Marley sang, I must first emancipate myself from mental slavery. There is hope for personal emancipation and the one important step is refining my external environment to limit the amount of toxicity I allow into my spiritual core. Thus, why I don't watch the news, limit media inputs, try not to spend too much time on social media as a protection for my mind and spirit. Liberation is difficult when bombarding my brain with unhealthy external inputs.

Bringing in clean, healthy, non-toxic material into my core is the only way to be able to emit radiant beauty. Clean food, positive influences, loving people, a healthy environment, etc... are all absolutely essential in being able to live a positive, healthy and loving existence. Being there, after some time I am better able to transform the garbage from the external environment into flowers. 

Ask

I have a hard time asking for what I want and always have. Sometimes it is fear of rejection by being told 'no'. Sometimes it is fear of making someone else uncomfortable and then maybe they will not like me. Whatever the excuse is, it is based in fear.

At some point in life I needed or wanted something and was rejected, told no, lost a friend, upset someone, a relationship failed. Those times imprinted memories and created circuitry in my brain that bad things would continue to happen and I would not get what I needed or wanted in life.

Of course, there were also many more times I asked for what I wanted and I got it. For every 'no' I likely got 10x more yesses. My brain wants to avoid pain, so that one negative time was much more impactful than those 10 positive results.

Over years I learned my needs and wants were not important to others, despite having little evidence to support that thought. I also learned that if I wanted or needed something I would have to get it myself, which is sometimes true, although a much harder way of living through extreme effort to do everything alone.

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I am a social creature built for cooperation and support. Sure some people don't live that way and will take advatange of me, hurt me or use me. Many more people in my life have been there to support me, help me with my dreams, goals and vision. More times though I have decided to keep to myself and sit in silence desperately want to share, only to not to.

Holding all of my wants and needs insides, hoping they would come true, hoping others would read my mind, hoping I could do it all by myself only led to a life of quiet desperation. This desperation would ultimately end in resentment, anger and self-destructive behavior. I was reinforcing I was not worthy of getting my needs and wants met by the world.

As a result I would not give to the world, give in relationships, give as a parent, give as a business partner, give as a human. I did not love myself, did not believe anyone loved me and then was empty and incapable of giving love. With a mindset not loving others, it made sense in my mind no one loved me back. It was an extremely lonely way of living.

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As a child, young man and adult I bought into this meme that men do not need anything. That men are strong and by asking for help a man shows he is weak. I thought I could become this stand alone mountain capable of giving myself everything and never needing others. This is absolutely wrong from my experience. There is no way I could possibly give myself all of my needs and wants in life.

I cannot grow my own food, I cannot provide my own water, I do not provide the sunlight, I do not tell my cells to divide and grow or my immune system to function to keep me healthy. My quest to be a 100% independent entity seprate from the world was a futile and ignorant goal.

It does not make me less of a man to ask for help or to need others. I need the sun, the earth, the farmer, the rancher, the water company worker, the electrical company worker, the sewer company worker, the police officer, the firefighter, the teacher, the coach... I need you. In return when I have something to give - talent, skill, resources, time, love - then you need me to.

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I have never really known what I wanted in life. Most of my past wants were based on building this island for myself where I did not need you. Mostly my wants were resource based - stockpiling food, material possessions, money, business contacts and things which when I had enough of them, then I could be an island and feel safe. There is never enough of those things and I never felt safe.

I feel safe when I love myself and have close, loving relationships.

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What I want now is to help a million people in some way, large or small. I want to give love and be a positive impact on this world while I am here. That is why I write, to give. To really live I have to ask as well. To have a balance between giving and receiving. To only give and never receive is not living in balance.

I don't like to sell because I do not like to ask and be vulnerable in that moment. I cannot help a million people without asking or promoting what I have to offer. I believe what I have to offer is of value and can help others - my writing, my books, my coaching, my knowledge, my resources, my talents, my skills and my love.

Putting myself out there is vulnerable and a challenge most of the time. Writing a book was easy, promoting it not so much. I have learned if I never ask for anything I will never get anything. I cannot help people if I do not put myself out there to you.

I am asking you to help me reach my goal of helping a million people by buying my book now. It's only $0.99 on Kindle or $5.77 for the paperback.

Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First


Will you help me by sharing my information with a friend you think needs health and wellness coaching?

douglashilbert@yahoo.com
314-610-4146


Will you help me by asking me what I can help you with today?

When our Home was Foreclosed

I bought my first home, single and in my own name, December 29th, 2004. I was 26 years old and thought this was the pinnacle of adulthood and the "american dream". I finally had something that was "mine". This was a delusional thought of course, as I had a mortgage.

When I have a mortgage, it's not really my house. I'm renting it from the bank, it's really theirs. I'm just keeping it safe for them - maintaining it, paying the taxes for them, keeping it insured for them and if I don't pay them, they can legally take it back. It's the same as paying rent, just different words used to confuse me into thinking one thing when it's not reality.

If I had bought my house with cash, then I would have owned it, but I did not have $190,000 in cash at that time... or well, any time since. I should have just kept renting and saving money (not investing it) until I could buy a cheap house in a safe enough neighborhood with cash. Maybe I never would have bought anything, but I'd still have cash, which is better than a good credit score.

Mortgage has an Old French root from 1189 ~ "Dead Pledge". Basically life expectancy was so low that people borrowed this money and were expected to die before paying it back and the creditor needed a way of getting their money back, thus foreclosure. 826 years later this is still relatively true, most people never pay off their dead pledge. And with amortization, the bank gets more interest today than tomorrow, so they love sales and refinances... it creates new dead pledges where they get more interest today.

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On January 5th, 2010 the bank foreclosed on my home and took it back. I gave them the keys, turned off the utilites and drove away. The day I gave the keys back to the bank was really a huge relief.  I no longer had a dead pledge to carry around on my back every day.

I had months before stopped paying and given up on my attachment to the home. A home which I had poured tens of thousands of dollars into improving, updating and living in. A home I had constantly stressed about each minute of the day figuring out how to make the payment. A home I drove myself crazy over trying to "keep". It was a cathartic experience losing everything, although one I would never have chosen for myself. It's like puking after drinking too much, it sucks but feels so much better afterwards.

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I thought I was doing the right thing, building savings, building equity, being responsible, being an adult and on the path of the "american dream". When things went sideways in the real estate crash I thought I was doing the right thing by spending all my money paying my debts and honoring my contracts. My beliefs were wrong on both sides. It was all a large waste of time, capital and emotion. All it did was bring suffering during the experience.

The bank did not care if I paid the debt, the bank is not a person. Even the people I interacted with really did not care, and if they expressed care it was an attempt to manipulate me to pay. Maybe they cared about losing their job, because if too many people did not pay they would get laid off. Either way, it was pointless for me to care about honoring a contract when the other party didn't care. Plus, I didn't have the money to pay anyway.

I had been brainwashed by our culture to care about credit and paying debts to corporations, (I pay back friends and family). That somehow my playing this game correctly made me a "good" person and me not paying made me a "bad" person. This is very powerful for the banks and creditors to lever in getting their money. There is a lot of guilt and shame in failure and not paying debt, people kill themselves over it.

There were people all over the news saying it is "wrong" and unethical to not pay debts. That we all, as americans', owed some sense of responsibility to the banks, society and the economy to pay our debts. This is total b.s. Corporations default on debt all the time and are never called unethical. There is a contract for debt and when one party does not follow it, there are ways to settle it legally. That's all it is, there is no stigma. It just did not work the way it was set out, things change.

When I was losing this house I had already lost over $500,000 of my own, friends and family's capital investments into other real estate companies. I had over $10,000,000 in other real estate related debts. I was once a millionaire (on paper) with "equity" and within a 3 month span had a net worth of -$3,000,000... negative 3 Million.

I thought I was a totally worthless person as a result. I became 60 pounds overweight, depressed, angry and a drug addict. Only drugs could overpower the internal pain and suffering I was imposing on myself. And that's what it was - self imposition. I beat the shit out of myself based on my beliefs of what was good and bad, beliefs I adopted without my inspection.

No banker ever told me I was worthless, only 1 guy ever got mad and he just walked out of a meeting. Family and friends were mostly supportive, minus the ones I thought would try to kill me but I guess those aren't friends. My daughter still loved me.

I did not love myself, maybe I never did, but this time I had a reason to not love myself. I defined myself as a "failure" and I was "losing everything".

I almost died on an emergency room bed from drug addiction. I was doing drugs because I hated myself and wanted an escape. I hated myself b/c I believed I was failure based on losing money, cars, homes and having "bad credit". My self-worth was enmenshed with my financial success and material possessions, I was never taught another way.

A few months' out of drug treatment I went to a Buddhist monastary and learned meditation. I was really confused to see all of these really happy people - monks and nuns - who had no materials possessions. How could they be happy without money and stuff? It was such a mystery I had to figure it out.

This led to a deep dive into uninstalling all the non-sense programs that had been installed in my brain for 20+ years. After getting a somewhat clean slate, then I could upload a new program, one based on love. Love for self, love for others. All that matters is Love. I Love you. You are more than your money, your career, your home and your credit score.

When I decided I could and was going to love myself and others all the negativity went away. I no longer defined myself by my material possessions or money. I tried living the way of the "american dream" and being ambitious in business and it did not work. So, instead of killing myself I just needed to live another way. Through Buddhist and stoic philosophy I found that way.

I met with all the banks and told them I could not pay. I told the truth. I helped where I could. It all worked out. Then I got married and bought another big house with a mortgage, stupid. I guess I need to learn things the hard way. It is said entreprenuers must go broke twice before getting "it" the third time, so I guess I fit that rule.  

The American Dream is a lie, or at best it does not exist. There are 300,000,000 million people in America, how can "we" have a dream together? We cannot. The root of the lie of the American Dream is based in debt, education and home "ownership". Work hard, go to college, borrow a ton of money for education, get a degree, buy a car with a loan, get a promotion, buy a house, get a mortgage, work harder to afford it all, paint your house and update your kitchen, work hard to pay for it, then die.

The banks make trillions of dollars in home loans, car loans, credit cards, etc... They don't care if you kill yourself over suffering to pay them back. No bank ever came to the hospital to see how I was doing. To be fair, some of the people who worked at banks were good people and I am still friends with them. They were suffering too, everyone was suffering at that time. We were all delusional.

Borrowing money is a trap, there is no such thing as a "good debt". I got a finance degree and learned all about "good debt" and lost my ass and filed bankruptcy. I can do the math on levered ROIs and still failed b/c I don't control macro economics, or anything but my actions. I simply bought the wrong plan.

There is no "good debt" for individuals, especially when borrowing from corporations. Student loans are not good, car loans are not good (well maybe 0% financing), mortgages are not good debt (unless you are the 1% who can pay it off at anytime and can get the tax benefit), credit cards - not good... Basically, don't borrow money, you don't need whatever it is the money is going to buy anyway.

- You can take all of the classess MIT offers online for free or little money. You can get the education without getting the degree. You'd be smarter than most people and have no debt. I would hire you over some other person with a degree, all that tells me is that person played the game good enough to get a piece of paper, not that they can think. Getting a self-education shows you can think and will keep thinking and growing.
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- Buy a cheap car with no loan. Dave Ramsey says this to about everyone who calls into his show. I wanted nice cars to signal to you I am "good" or "successful". There really are few crappy cars anymore, it's just a way to get somewhere. Better, buy a bike or move somewhere you can walk. With Uber, ride sharing and self-driving cars, car ownership will eventually go away any way. Kids are smart these days, they don't want cars. It's an expense & depreciating liability you cannot get a tax deduction for.

- Rent before getting a mortgage... It's not throwing money down the toilet. You still need somewhere to live regardless. It's not like you have to live on a park bench if you don't buy a house. Homes are not good investments... I wrote this blog a while back - http://doughilbert.blogspot.com/2015/01/is-buying-home-good-investment.html

- Pay cash for everything else. I hate spending cash, so I really think about everything I buy. Do I really "need" this thing? When I have credit or debit cards I just swipe away. It's the same reason casinos use chips and not cash, there is a disconnect between us and our money.

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So, I "lost" all of that stuff and gained a new perspective on life. I gained more time to do things I like, such as spending time with my children and loved ones, coaching, helping others, writing, meditating. I gained more time to love myself and love you.

It was a valuable lesson I had to learn to be where I am now. I don't have much money now, I rent an apartment, companies grow and companies fail, sometimes I have more money, sometimes less... The difference now is I do not suffer over things. I love myself and I love you and when I act in that way everything always works out.

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If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle or paperback through Amazon.

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Small Words of Kindness do Matter

I have been coaching 4 and 5 years old in soccer the past month on weekends. I know soccer having played from the time I could walk through college. I coached boys and girls high school soccer for 5 years after college and am coaching high school again now. So, from a soccer competency level I believe I am qualified for the position.

I have a 13 year old daughter, so went through the 4-5 year old stage with a girl. I currently have a 5 year old son, so am living the 4-5 year old stage with a boy. Thus, felt somewhat qualified to deal with children this age. I also lived at a kids camp in Maine for a summer, coaching children from 7 years old through high school age, so even have some experience coaching younger ages.

Even knowing I am qualified and experienced to do this, there is this critic voice in my head that likes to tell me I suck from time to time. It's not just in coaching 4-5 year olds, there is that critic in my head who says I suck at everything, yes everything.

The critic has always been there from what I can remember. It's not as loud now, but it still chimes in from time to time with the same old refrain from childhood - you suck and no one likes you.

I remember playing soccer games and thinking I played like crap, mostly because I made some mistake at some point. Teammates, coaches and parents would say "great job" or whatever and I would blow it off because it did not agree with the belief in my head that I played poorly. This would then happen in every aspect of my life, not just sports.

It's no surprise to me I turned to drugs in the past, they work in temporarily turning the critic off and all the sudden I am the greatest person in the world to myself. Of course drugs wear off, then in the aftermath the critic becomes it's loudest, which requires more drugs and then one day drugs no longer work and that is living hell.

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In reality, most of the time I am doing a good job at things and yet the critic still says I suck from time to time. It tells me other people are judging me and they think I suck too, although with no evidence of course; it's rare someone tells someone else they suck at something. We are a generally polite society.

Even intellectually knowing I am doing a good job, the second something does not go the way I planned or I make an error, that critic will jump in with a big "told you so". The tendency in the past was then to attach to that thought, reinforce it and make it a belief. I know this pattern very well in my brain, so have worked very hard on cultivating mindfulness through meditation and not "positive thinking" to deal with the critic. No amount of positive thinking can overcome that internal critical voice in my head.

At the same time I had an insane work ethic (who is sane and does an Ironman?), but that work ethic was mostly fueled by that belief I was never good enough. It was really a raging inferno inside me, a battle of epic porportions to prove to myself and the world I was good enough. I acheived a lot of things using that fire to drive performance and excellence. It also was my ultimate downfall. My biggest strength was also my biggest weakness. Two sides of the same coin - low self esteem.

Never being good enough combined with an insane work ethic is a recipe for disaster. Think of all the supremely "successful" people with tragic and depressing lives. The billionaires, movie stars and sports stars who are drug addicts, go bankrupt or end up killing themselves. Tortured into excellence by never being good enough.

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I was walking to my car after coaching 4-5 years olds today thinking "well, that sucked, I was terrible" and "maybe this is not for me". Sure it did not go perfect, but really what involving 4-5 year olds goes perfectly to plan. What even goes perfect when dealing with adults? Nothing. Still I had some doubts based on listening to the critic in my head.

As I am putting my stuff away in the car a parent calls over from across the parking lot thanking me for today. That was nice I thought and said "thank you" and smiled. She then said, "you have the patience of a saint". I responded "I have a 5 year old and 13 year old, so I've earned that patience the hard way". That of course is not true, I am the least patient with my own children and that seems to correspond with every other parents' experience! My response was simply a deflection of the compliment and I should have just thanked her for the nice compliment, but I didn't and why not?

I have a tendency to take critiscisms of myself very personally, especially external critiscism which agrees with my internal critics' view of myself. I also have a tendency to deflect compliments, especially if they contradict my internal critics' view of myself.

As I drove away I took a moment at a stop sign to close my eyes, relive the moment of the compliment and breathe it in. I wanted to reinforce the good moment, that I am patient, I did do a good job (even getting corresponding external validation) and that today was a success by all meaningful definitions.

Things may not have gone as planned, but I acted in a way which is congruent to the person I believe I am - unconditionally loving, kind and patient. That is a success regardless of the outcome.

Kids were running all over the place, not listening, complaining and one team was really losing the game we played. I thought of all the individual moments with kids where I was genuinely smiling, laughing, listening, patient, compassionate and helpful despite the "plan" falling apart.

Of all the successes of the day, zero of them revolve around any one kid gaining a soccer skill or getting "better". They were learning life skills: how to interact with other children and adults, that's it's ok to be "losing" and that it is the effort that counts, that they will be listened to by an adult when they have a need, that someone not their parent will help them and also that a coach can be one of the main things coaches are not generally thought of - loving.

I got to help them put on jerseys, held gloves and hats, tied shoes and ran around with them pretending to be birds, a t-rex and something I don't know what it was, but we all still pretended and had fun. I got high fives at the end, I like that.

While the stated job is to coach soccer, that's not really the job. The job is to be of service, be an example, be patient, be compassionate, be kind and be loving. If they learn something about soccer that is simply a bonus.

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Today also reminds me to compliment and thank people as they too have that critic in their head - we are all human, we all have doubts. Any small word of kindness may be what that person needs in order to know they did a good job and that their internal critic is wrong about them.

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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Embrace Uncertainty

Embrace Uncertainty

Everything in life is impermanent and constantly in a state of change. As humans we are born, we age and we die, it is the natural cycle of life. The same is true for everything else from particle physics to the greater universe. In science there is Entropy, the dispersion of energy or the constant change of systems from order to disorder. Everything changes, always. 

Yet, even with this intellectual and scientific knowledge we still seek certainty and security in all aspects of life, then mentally suffer when we do not have certainty or "lose" security (sometimes just the thought of potentially losing security).

Much of our society and economic system is built around providing certainty and security to people through social structures and financial and materials things. While those things may be good, they too are impermanent and will one day go away, sometimes quicker and sometimes slower. Everything I have ever had in the past went away and all I have now will go away - people, jobs, companies, money, possessions and ultimately my life.

For myself, thinking about that loss and the uncertainty of when things would go away was causing extreme anxiety, ending ultimately in depression and substance abuse. I simply could not live with change and uncertainty. My brain wanted to to know what would happen and that the things I liked and loved would always be there. I was trapped in an existence of fear.

Fear was crippling in my life at many times. The result typically would be inaction as I could not deal with fear as the root emotion, so sitting in it and over thinking was my choice. Inaction and avoidance was the way I dealt with most situations, which normally led to something worse happening in the long run. It also was a way for me to opt out of making a decision and taking responsibility. 

Fear does not exist anywhere but in our brains. It's the lizard brain alerting us to some risk, which is good, otherwise if we saw a bear in the woods we would say hello and not run away. Problem being, I have never seen a bear in the woods, my fear comes from loss of money, not providing for my children, loss of social status, people thinking "bad" about me and other relatively benign things compared to death. 

Making decisions out of fear is not normally a good thing to do, so I could rationalize my inaction to some extent because the fear felt like I was always seeing a bear in the woods. All fear was that real. 

How could I get to the root of the fear and become a happier person able to take correct action and make right choices? 

1. Meditate on Death. 

Death is a normal and required part of the human experience. To believe or think anything different is simply denial. Every person ever born has died and we aren't ever going to "re-born" as our same self from what I can see. All we have is Now, not the past and not the future, just Now. 

I have been spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically dead at some point in my life. Having that experience gave me a perspective that death is imminent and also that life must be lived Now. I read a lot about death, meditate on death and talk about death, which makes me smile and gives me a sense of immediacy in what I do.

There is no "do-over" in life. We get one chance in each moment, there is no doing something in a next life or heaven. We can never do something tomorrow, we can only do something today. 

2.Unconditionally Love.

We make decisions from fear or we make them from love. Using that framework makes it very easy to know what to do in all situations. Fear is my ego (small I) clinging to a false sense of certainty and security for myself. Love (big I) is choosing to do what is in right alignment with promoting the happiness and well being of all living beings, including myself. 

It is hard to override the lizard brain inside me which has the sole goal of survival. It wants me to eat, drink, find shelter, make money and generally be comfortable so I do not die. This is not a bad thing of course, as if we are dead we cannot be of service to others, nor continue the species. 

I have food, water, air, shelter, clothing and all of Maslow's base layer of hierarchy of needs. Making decisions to get more of those than I need, or any other external material item gives me a false sense of security. I do not need more. All I need is to give more love and all of my needs will be taken care of. 

3. Mind the Gap.

All of life is a series of transitions from one thing to another. Today I woke up, made coffee, took my supplements, drank coffee, meditated and drove my car to the office. Every time I switched tasks there was a transition or gap. In the past these daily habits were simple and mindless tasks I did not give much thought to. What I try to do now is acknowledge I am transitioning from one thing to another and to do so mindfully, taking even just one breath in between to recenter myself in the present.

By practicing that simple, daily practice it enhances my ability to use it during major life transitions. Being able to acknowledge I am not in alignment with my higher purpose, that there needs to be significant change, that there is fear present and that I have the ability to take action and transition even with the presence of fear. 

Fear cannot be fought off, the brain will win and keep me in a state of inaction. Fear can only be accepted and transformed through action. That happens by minding the gaps in my life. Once I take the action there may still be fear, but normally the excitement of change will trump that. 

Sit in the fear, meditate on the fear, find the root of the fear in the gap and the fear will reduce. It will not go away until the action is taken though, meditation without action is simply self-torture in my experience. 

4. Jump off the Cliff.
Everything has always worked out in my life to have me sitting here writing this today. Therefore, I can judge nothing that happened in the past as "bad", it was simply necessary for me to learn and become the person I today here and now.

I remember going cliff jumping in junior high for the first time. I stood on the edge for minutes, although it felt like hours, before turning around and not jumping. I was frozen in the fear of all the negative potential outcomes - mainly major injury and death. I never thought about all the positive potential outcomes.

Later in high school, I jumped off the cliff. I was also intoxicated and while I still had some minor feelings of fear, drugs and alcohol allowed me to do what I had once not been able to. Of course I lived and was free from injury. I learned I could do hard things when intoxicated and took that on into the rest of my life, mostly making stupid decisions which ended poorly of course.

I have since learned intoxication is not a good method for overcoming fears, whether it's asking a girl to dance, changing careers or really anything. Still, it showed me that somewhere deep inside myself I had the ability to take action when experiencing fear. The key was finding the courage to act sober and the only way to do that was to simply do it - jump off the cliff. In doing so everything has worked out as I am still here alive.

I have a very analytical mind and can do some quite extensive mental probability charts of all the potential risks in life. I have found this to be more of a hindrance than benefit. My brain likes to focus on the negative outcomes and ignore the positive outcomes. 

Why risk love when the potential for immense pain exists? 

Why change what I have today for something which may cause loss in the future? 

All I know is that I could never predict the future and could never have imagined the course of my life up to today. Everything is changing, so no matter what I do there is risk. Better to live life, love deeply and jump off the cliff than walk back down that cliff again and live a life of quite desperation and regret. 

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Embrace uncertainty as it is the natural state of life and the physical universe. Think about our death, as we will all die one day, sometimes slower and sometimes quicker. Unconditionally love ourselves and everyone else. Mind the gaps and transitions in life as necessary. Then take the risk and just jump off the cliff. 

Transform fear to Love. Ask someone to dance. Change college majors. Quit college or don't go. Change careers. Do what you love. Be true to yourself. Do only that which loves others, including yourself.  If you live this way, you will always have what you need.  

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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Do Not Lie to Your Children

Liam had a loose tooth and I said that the tooth fairy will come and leave him money for it if he puts it under his pillow. This is a lie of course. There is no tooth fairy, or santa or easter bunny or hundreds of other things we lie to small children about.

I felt immeditately bad for lying to him and doing what generations of parents have done before. So, why did I lie?

I was programmed to believe telling him this lie will somehow save him from some potential unknown negative emotion or suffering. I do not believe that is a good reason to lie, nor that it is a correct method to achieve the desired result = teaching him and helping him deal with any questions, concerns or fears about the event.

Also, it was more convenient for me to lie than sit down and explain to a 5 year old why his tooth fell out and the science behind it. Although I know engaging in that conversation and telling the truth would have taught him something and maybe had a positive effect on his mood or quelled any fears. Basically, it was easier for me to lie than tell the truth and I knew it immediately.

And really, he was excited to lose a tooth, not stressed or worried in any way. So my lie also meant I missed out on truly experiencing a really cool moment in his life, one which I could have shared in his excitement.

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The real effect is our children grow up and realize they have been lied to by their parents. This creates some disconnect in their brain between parents as being the people who love them unconditionally and protect them, versus the people who lied to them.

My parents lied to me, their parents lied to them, their parents lied to them and now I lie to my children. As a result, my children lie to me. It's a cycle of lying in every family, possibly for the entire existence of humans on the planet.

I teach my children not to lie, but of course am the largest example of a hypocrite in their life if I continue with the tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa claus, not to mention millions of other societal lies we say to our children.

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I had always had a difficult time trusting people, which seems completely rational based on being lied to by my parents, other family members, mates, partners, employees, coaches, teammates and well everyone else. My default lack of trust seems to be a normal conditioned response to the environment I was in, which is more than likely the same environment most other people are in too unfortunately. Lying does not discriminate.

But I learned I mainly had a hard time trusting people because I was lying as well, and that is my responsibility to change. 

It's amazing how the less I lied the more I trusted people, even understanding they would still lie to me sometimes. Now, I go into every situation believing the other person until evidence shows I should not. This is a much happier way of existence than believing everyone is lying and trying to screw me over.

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If I love my children (or anyone else) AND I love myself - the only correct action to take in all situations is to tell the truth. While I can intellectually understand this, it is of course difficult and uncomfortable at times. Love is not easy or convenient sometimes, so to maintain integrity with my vision to unconditionally love, I am required to tell the truth. Simple, not easy.

My favorite quote from Thoreau's Walden is "Rather than love, than money, than faith, give me truth. I sat at a table where rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequios attendance, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board."

I used to struggle with this quote because what is more important in life than love? While I was struggling, I realized I was reading "truth" as the "intellectual truth" or being right, and that is not more important than love.

Now I have come to understand there cannot be love without truth. Well, there cannot be true unconditional love without truth, and really, any other kind of "love" is not love anyway.

I say I unconditionally love my children, yet lie to them. This is what causes the discord and mental suffering, as lying and love are not compatible. It is ok to make mistakes, search inside and realize there is a better way. Part of why we are here is to learn and break the cycles which entrap us and future generations.

It's "new agey" to call not lying "Radical Honesty", but really it's just honesty and there is nothing radical about always being honest.

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If you like this post please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com