Confessions of an Over-Exerciser

I no longer "Exercise"

From the above most recent photo, I am not 'overfat'. I prefer 'overfat' versus 'overweight' b/c weight is fairly irrelevant. We can lose muscle mass and gain fat mass but remain the same weight, which would be negative for our health. Many women can attest we can lose fat, gain muscle mass and gain weight as well. This would be positive for health, but it can be negative for our minds when we are attached to the number "weight" on a scale. As a result, I advise all clients to throw their scales away.

As a health coach and as someone not overfat, I am constantly asked what I do for "exercise" and I answer "I no longer exercise", which is true. I used to train for athletic competitions, training and exercise are different. I no longer am competitive, so I do not train either. My focus now is on health, well-being and happiness; none of which are dependent on exercise.

Exercise is some form of arbitrary movement normally with the purposes to lose weight, look good, attempt to offset sitting on one's butt all day or because we think we are "supposed to". Exercise is also something we normally do not want to do nor like doing once engaged. It's suffering with no real purpose and likely - no real results. All the gyms, trainers, sports, races, food companies, supplements, (ie. marketing companies) prey upon this mis-belief we have to "exercise". It's total b.s., but people buy it and all those companies make billions of dollars.

I do not exercise because forcing myself to do something I do not want to do is pointless. If something is not adding to my well-being and happiness then it is subtracting from it. There is no neutral affect in life (at a minimum it cost me time, which is more valuable to me than anything).

When I work with a client and they think they "need to run" and hate running, I tell them not to run. We have little time on Earth as it is, so why suffer needlessly, especially when it won't really work to reach your goal anyway. Most overfat people are metabolically broken, over-stressed and biomechanically inefficient, so running in that state will only make the problems worse, not better. Same goes for most conventional forms of "exercise" - they simply do not work for fat loss.

The result is the trainer, gym, supplement company, marathon race or whatever else basically gets a lifetime client stuck in a negative feedback loop. We train, make no progess (or get worse), then are told we need more of what is not working. Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." And that's what we do in the mainstream "exercise" dogma.

In the past I was an "over-exerciser" and ruined my health and well-being. I would argue to anyone that being any kind of competitive elite level athlete requires a trade off between health and fitness. The problem being - most of us aren't competitive or getting paid and still we are willing to ruin our health for some arbitrary fitness goal. The long list of divorced amateur triathletes, marathon runners and weekend warriors I know is astounding, I am one of them. 

I absolutely ruined my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health when a competitive athlete. This is not solely because of the training and diet, it was also because of chasing the rewards of winning, being "good" or "better" - seeking external validation of my self-worth as a human being through achievement. 

As a child through college, I trained and played hard to win and be better than other people, not because I actually enjoyed much of the process or the sport. Winning was all that mattered and the only time sport was fun; when I lost it was a mental, emotional and spiritual loss - now I was not "good enough". For some time, that pain drove hard work and some success, but eventually it lead to a dead end. 

As an adult post-college, I trained and competed again to win and beat others, but this time I also wanted "look good naked" to attract a mate as that was becoming more important. In that way, athletics was also a "healthy" way for me to stroke my own ego and vanity, but typically only when I thought I looked better than someone else or found a mate, which was erratic at best. There is always someone better and better "looking".

I wasn't fat by any means, but people would ask if I was sick all the time. When I was racing at my best as an adult I was 145 pounds at 24 years old, which was the weight I was as a Junior in high school at 16/17 years old. My guy friends would joke that I had AIDS. I had an 8 pack, but I also had like 5% body fat and was obsessed with losing one more pound becuase I believed I would be albo to go faster as a result.

It's not common for men to speak of body image issues as it's typically thought of as a "female problem". I can assure you most men also have body image issues. When men see all the muscled up hollywood stars, magazine cover models, TV stars they experience the same thing women do with all the "perfect" versions of females floating around in the media. 

On top of all of that I smoked my hormone levels, experiencing extremely low testosterone and cortisol, which led to feelings of exhaustion and depression and continued substance abuse issues. Throw on a typical athlete diet high in carbohydrates and I got to add in experiencing anxiety, blood sugar issues and eventually metabolic syndrome (pre-diabetes). I was exercising to win and attract a mate and even if I found a mate, I was worthless in the relationship part.

So other than the external validation of people thinking I was a good athlete (which only exists in my head now), there was no other benefit in my overall life. It cost time, money, mental health, physical health, relationships and all I have to show for it are some plaques and trophies and the general perception by most I am "fit" or an "athlete". By and large, no one cares what I did in sports, it only comes up when people ask me what some of my tattoos are now.


What do I do now?

99% of body composition is diet and sleep in my opinion. Sure, we can exercise 40 hours a week to not be overfat or have a six-pack, but it will only work in the short term and there will be long term health and well-being consequences.

There is an epidemic of  endurance athletes with heart problems, starting as young as their 30s. There is an epidemic of endurance athletes with metabolic syndrome, diabetes and other blood sugar related issues. Just go to a triathlon or marathon and there will be a large number of "overfat" people, yet we believe these people are healthy somehow. It is not their fault, they are doing what they are told.

Another major factor in my current success, body composition and happiness is that I eat a ketogenic diet, which is basically high fat, moderate protein and low carbohydrate. Now I don't "have to" exercise and I still have a 4-pack, which is good enough as I no longer care about having a 6-pack. No one else cares if I have abs or not and to quote Dr. Tommy Wood, "There are no studies showing people with six-pack abs live longer".

On the ketogenic diet I can still do whatever I want to by physically active without having to "exercise" to prepare for it. I can play soccer for an hour on weekends with friends or with my high school soccer team on the spot. I can lift heavy weights whenever I want to, maybe not for a PR anymore, but as long as I can squat my weight I am good now. I can play with my son on the playground for hours and run with him while he rides his bike. I can go on a 2 hour bike ride at any point and be fine without needing gels, powerbars or sports drinks. I ran a 12.4 and 15.5 mile trail race with no training and did them with no problem and without needing to eat.

If I am active now I try to do it with other people, which is what I always wanted - to be connected with others. What is the result? Health, wellbeing, happiness and connection...

If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Birth. Life. Death.

If we ask 9 out of 10 people today "What is the opposite of death?" the answer we will most likely receive is "life". That's probably not accurate, well at least from a semantic or scientific viewpoint. I'm asking a loaded question to some extent, maybe it's even trickery.

The opposite of death is birth.

Humans are "born" and then we "die". We seem to agree on when a human "dies". Well, within seconds or minutes at least as there is usually an accepted "time of death". We see the last exhalation, the heart stops, brain waves cease, etc... so we call it "death".

There is also a relatively socially acceptable "time of birth", the baby comes out and a nurse or doctor looks at the clock and announces the time of birth, it's written down and is now a fact of some sorts.

Yet, there seems to be mass chaos, fighting and even violence surrounding the subject of Life. If you ask people when life begins there quite possibly could be a million different answers, all based on an individuals' perspective, a perspective they were most likely conditioned to have based on their social surrounding and religious traditional upbringing (or lack thereof).

Really no one knows when "life" begins. We're all assured to never know because there is no answer to the question as it is based off perspective and opinion, normally based on personal or institutional biases.

The problem is that we are really asking the wrong question.

If we do or might possibly come to believe in the theory that no thing in the material world can be created from nothing and subsequently no thing can be reduced back to nothing, then it would appear that birth and death actually do not exist. 

Scientifically, no thing can be created from nothing and no thing can be destroyed into nothingness, everything just transforms. A piece of paper is transformed from water, air, trees, loggers, a machine process, etc... And burning a piece of paper transforms it to energy, heat, fire and ash.

Following that same thinking, as humans, we transform from some things to being "born" and then we transform back to some things in "death".

We are comprised of the same atoms as everything else in the universe. We are all in effect "Star Dust", containing atoms and elements which first existed from the time of the big bang.

We were most likely taught to think "I" did not exist and then magically "I" exist now in time-space from some process. Then "I" die and return to dust? No... there is no magic, no dust, no creating something from nothing. We have always been here in one form or another from the beginning of time and we always will be here in one form. Whether we call it "life" or carbon or anything else is just a matter of words.  

So... The real question of relevance to us in this existence is not so much when does human life begin but - What's the point of this whole human existence? 

My answer is simply to grow, live, experience and love. I like it being very simple.

We are here to grow as we live this human experience. We see that physically, we grow up, become taller, larger and increase in mass. The majority of us grow up emotionally, so most 30 year-olds don't roll around on the floor crying in public when they don't get what they want.

In the 21st Century, we are told we have hundreds of other way for "things" to grow within our lives. We can grow our mind and intellect through learning and gaining knowledge. We can grow our self-esteem through striving and accomplishment. We can grow our businesses, careers and bank accounts through hard work and investing. We can grow logically, morally and ethically with education and spirituality. On larger scales we can grow families, communities, societies, economies, nations and quite possibly soon, worlds.

Interestingly to me, all of those examples follow typical growth patterns and s-curves. There is usually a ramp up in growth which eventually leads to a plateau and then small or large decline over time. We can become really intelligent and then have Alzheimers for example. 

All of those externalilties have a limited range of growth for each of us based on conditions. This could also be called the cycle of birth and death, Samsara in Buddhist philosophy. Just as we grow up and then die, everything around us does the same thing. Everything material is subject to the laws of physics, birth and death and thus, is in a constant state of change.

Stock market goes up and it goes down. If it went up forever, what would happen? Sounds great huh, well if that were the case then we would also grow physically forever... not so good. 

Everything within and without our lives has a rate of growth which is sustainable for a period, then tapers off. Boom and bust, life and death, peaks and valleys... all relatively the same. So, can you grow your business, career, money, family, forever? No, of course not. Everything will have some eventual loss of growth or decline of some sort.

So, if all we are doing with our short time here is focusing on growth in areas of mundane existence, which we know are bound for decline/death, are we all insane? Yes, most of us are insane to do such a thing. I will stand up and raise my hand as being in that camp most of my life. I (ego-centric I) want more years, money, fame, food, appreciation of assets, accomplishments, kudos, atta-boys, growth, etc... and I do not want less of those. Welcome to the cycle of birth and death, enjoy the ride :)

What I have come to "know" is that there are a few simple things I can focus on which actually are not limited in their growth and always net a higher return. Funny enough, they are not actually physical things.

1. LOVING KINDNESS - Can I make a commitment to grow my loving kindness for myself and all sentient beings every moment? YES.

2. COMPASSION - Can I grow my compassion for myself and all sentient beings every moment? YES.

3. JOY - Can I grow my joy within myself and towards other sentient beings every moment? YES.

4. EQUANIMITY - Can I be equanimous with myself and other sentient beings every moment? YES.

I had the great opportunity to speak at my brother's wedding reception in 2009. I spoke about those 4 things being the basis of "True Love", a love with no growth curve, no down turn, no boom/bust, no birth/death, no peaks and valleys. True Love, encompassing those 4 qualities can grow infinitely, which is what we all truly want - a world with more love for ourselves and those around us. 

You could call it God's Love, Buddha Nature, Big Mind/Big Heart, Infinite Wisdom, whatever your spiritual tradition feels appropriate is good.

If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

I Do Not Know Anything

I don't know anything, and for the first time in my life that is not only ok, it is a foundation for my happiness and wellbeing.

I used to know everything, or go to great lengths to pretend to at least. At that time in my life I was afraid, childish, stupid, stubborn, hard headed and either an ass or a coward most of the time. I was right and you were wrong and I would prove it, normally destroying any human connection in the process. Being right was more important than being happy or loving others.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so the result of my egotistical dogmatism was an existential beat down of epic proportion. A great war with intense battles was waged on the forefront of my pre-frontal cortex. And the result - I lost the war and likely lost every battle, along with time I can never recover. Decades of basically useless suffering, but it was the war I had to fight (and lose) to eventually be here, be happy, be well and be free.

My quest for knowledge and information to be "right" was simply a childs' egocentric attempt to frame the world in black and white and eliminate uncertainty and chaos. It was my attempt to control the external world and feel some sense of security. Self delusion seems an appropriate term for what I was doing, as there is no certainty or security in anything.

Knowing something does not give it meaning. I can know the name of a thing and still not understand it. I can name the fruit "orange", but cannot explain how it tastes to you, you must eat it to know the full meaning. The same applies to everything else, which is why I fear we have millions of educated people who know names of things and know no meaning.

I was the kid who had to take all of my toys apart to figure out how they worked. I never put them back together to experience them afterwards, so I knew something about how they worked, but lost the meaning in the process. It's like going to an art gallery and simply dissecting all the rules of art and whatever versus just looking, experiencing and feeling the art.

I read almanacs, atlases, history books, owners manuals, maps, newspapers, really whatever had information. I was good at Jeopardy and played people for money, usually kids with 4.5 GPAs when I was barely a 3.0 GPA and preferred to play sports and whatever else. I knew all kinds of information and none of it had any meaning. My head was full of dates, facts and other relatively meaningless information - which only gave me a overinflated ego that I was "smart".

Being labeled smart was damaging to my growth and evolution as a person. I could simply no longer be wrong because I was "smart" and being wrong meant I was dumb, which was akin to death.

In reality, I have been wrong exponentially more than I have ever been right, if I have ever been entirely right about anything ever. Once I was able to say that (and actually believe it) the battles and war in my head stopped. The most influential person in that process was Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn, who simply offered to always ask - "Am I Sure?"

Am I Sure? No. What I have come to realize is the world is 1000 shades of grey. There is no black and there is no white. There is no truth and there is no right. There just "IS" and what I think about it is mostly irrelevant.

What is left is this new found curiosity to know the meaning of things and not just search for the facts, information, "truth" or something just to be right, make myself feel more secure or battle others.

~ Meaning is found through experience and understanding.

In nowhere else is this more profound than in interpersonal relationships. If I can never "know" something for sure, how can I ever say I truly know another person at any time? I cannot. So, to maintain healthy and happy relationships I am constantly seeking to understand and re-understand people as we are not static beings, we are dynamic and ever changing. To love someone is to seek to understand them.

~ Seek to understand, not to be understood. 

If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Risk versus Reward

Risk versus Reward

All decisions in life come down to risk versus reward. If we do 'x' then 'y' or 'z' may happen and do we like 'y' or 'z' or not? There are 4 paths that I see:

1. If we do not like either, we do not act.

2. If we like y but not z, then we have some internal debate about what is likelihood of either happening and then decide whether to act or not. We really have no clue, but it's nice to have some false conviction we can predict the future. If you are on Wall Street you just make shit up on a spreadsheet, call it "research" and then sell it to others based solely on your complete inability to predict the future as well, plus charge a fee and buy a new Porsche or something. 

3. Sometimes we don't give a crap and just do something without thinking. I have found this has the same probability of success as thinking really hard trying to predict the future (minus all the time wasted thinking). 

4. Or we sit there and just think and never do anything ~ paralysis by analysis or as a mentor once called it = "Mental Masturbation".

What is Risk?

Risk is Potential Pain. 

What is Reward?

Reward is Potential Pleasure. 

Risk versus Reward = Pain versus Pleasure

As humans, we want pleasure and we do not want pain. Some of what we gain pleasure from is hardwired in the brain with releases of dopamine for things such as eating, having sex and exercise. The brain knows we need those for survival and continuing the species, so we get a little hit of dopamine from simple biological things. 

But now we can get dopamine from drugs, chemicals in crappy food, porn, video games, b.s. motivation posters, facebook likes, twitter followers, instagram hearts and other forms of unnatural things. And... science has shown that just the expectation of those things releases dopamine in the brain. 

Dopamine is really the "expectation of reward" chemical, not the reward chemical. This is why the anticipation of a reward is many times better than the reward itself. Also, why we feel down after the high of getting the reward has worn off. We used up all of our neurochemicals anticipating and getting, then we need some "downtime" to restore those neurochemicals.

So, what's next after that cycle? We 'Chase the Dragon' to feel that pleasure again and again and again. At the same time, we are constantly on the lookout for pain and are attempting to avoid it at all costs. It's a hijacking of the prefrontal cortex by the amygdala, the "lizard brain". 

As humans don't like to face reality or call things by their true names, we have developed these cover words of "Risk" and "Reward" to lie to ourselves. Really all we are doing is pleasure seeking and avoiding pain, over and over, every minute of our lives until we die. It's not "good" or "bad", some of it is biological and some of it is delusional. 

If someone is pointing a gun at me, I have an instant risk assessment as being very high, so I act to avoid the potential pain and death. I am attached to "living" and "being alive" so act in a way to protect myself and my attachment to myself. Same for it someone was pointing a gun at my children - I'm attached to them so would want to save them. 

If I am a millionaire, may lose $1,000 in a business deal and then I have the same risk assessment reaction as if someone is going to shoot me, then I am delusional. My attachment to money has become overinflated in importance. 

I've lost every material possession I have ever had, they are all impermanent. I am still here despite all that loss. What I had control of though, was a choice to experience pain and suffering or not, I felt the pain and suffering because I was delusional. My values were "out of whack". 

Here is a simple coin on it's side. One side is "Pleasure" and one side is "Pain". They are both on the same coin, so they are inseparable, we need both to have a "coin". We need both to be a human and live a satisfied and fulfilling life. Too much of either side of the coin and we are at higher risk of unsatisfaction, loss of safety and death. Usually we become out of balance by excess pleasure seeking in America, not an army of insurgents enacting genocide, really we have it good here all things considered. 

Most people think they are risk-averse (good at avoiding potential pain), but studies show we are terrible at risk assessment (future predicting) and really want pleasure. The expectation of pleasure drowns out the voice in our head that there could be potential pain ahead... and then we get married (easy joke there). Seriously though, the anticipation of a reward routinely beats out the anticipation of loss, thus why there are so many people who buy high and sell low in all financial markets. We are emotionally weak at knowing what to do and when, we do not know ourselves well enough to be trusted by ourselves.

The way out of this situation is the be on the edge of the coin, not flipping it hoping for it to land on pleasure and not on pain. That is all we are doing with "Risk versus Reward" and risk assessment, flipping a coin hoping to predict the future. It's a fools game. Just be on the edge and whatever side it lands on you are not squashed by the coin! This is why long-term buy and hold investors make money in stocks (ie, Warren Buffett) and the rest of us lose money. He knows himself and has the discipline to not seek excess pleasure while listening to his voice helping him avoid potential pain. This is why I do not invest in stocks, well it's a con game unless you have a billion dollars, but otherwise I have an exceptionally poor record of avoiding pain and limiting pleasure seeking... So now I meditate and read stoic philosophy, that's all I have found that works. 

As Pain and Pleasure are on the same plane of existence, there is an equal and opposite reaction to them, they are antagonists. Super high, unnatural levels of pleasure will be followed by super high pain (suffering). See above at the beginning. 

I think about being in a new relationship and infatuated with that person (basically high all the time) and then they break up with me, resulting in major pain and suffering. I think of being addicted to drugs or sugar and then I can't get them, not a fun place to be in. I think about chasing money, then going bankrupt. It's all the same roller coaster, I hate roller coasters in real life, but chose to ride one in my head for 30+ years.  

When we are on the edge of the coin, equally balancing Pleasure and Pain, not attached to pleasure and not avoiding pain, the amplitude of the wild swings decreases. I still get pleasure from things and I have a manageable amount of pain which I can deal with in a healthy manner. 

Pleasure is not " good or bad", it just is. Pain is not "good or bad", it just is. Both happen when they happen, the severity of them is based on our attachments, mental constructs around them and our brains' neurochemicals. 

The chart above I would equate with the normal and healthy maturation process of a human, certainly one with a higher level of well being present. If you ever "flatline" and have no pleasure or pain you are most likely dead.

What's the Point?
As usual, there isn't one, I'm just writing stuff to organize my thoughts. This is my first blog since I wrote the book, so getting back into the swing and my writing is terrible again after a break. I broke James Altuchers' rule - "Write every day" and like starting over in the gym, my brain hurts and my performance is weak :) Anyway, a little self humbling (or self deprecation) is always humorous. 

I try not to chase too much pleasure or avoid too much pain. At the same time, I try not to worry about whether I will get all the pleasure I want or avoid all the pain I can. It's basically a  waste of time and mental energy I have found. Pleasure can be found in simple things I can always access with meditation, gratitude, moderation, right view and correct insight. Then if I fall in love or something, well it will feel like it supposed too and I won't be deluding myself with infatuation or craving  instead. That sounds like a good thing. 

If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

  

Fail Often. Fail Fast.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt 

I am working on mastering failure. For a long time I wanted to avoid failure and what happened was I failed any way. I would avoid taking some risk or get stuck in a position of non-action and everything would fall apart. Whether "paralysis by analysis" or "mental mastubation", over thinking or procrastination, it always led back to fear of failure.

50% of businesses fail by year 4 and 71% by year 10.  

If a baseball player fails 2 out of 3 times per game he is an all-star and hall-of-famer batting .333. 

If an NBA player misses half of his shots he is an all-star and hall of famer (only 127 players have ever averaged over 50% accuracy from the field) 

So, what is the big deal with failure anyway? I've been failing since I was a infant. I had to fall down a hundred or thousand times before I could walk. If I had just sat there and been afraid to walk I'd still be sitting there and medically labeled ~ Failure to Thrive.

Somewhere along the way growing up I learned form the world that "failure" was bad or painful and as such it was something I did not want to experience. It makes sense that there are bad, painful things I want to avoid in general, like touching a hot stove. Failure doesn't always end up with me burning my fingers or going to hospital though. 

At some point in childhood I failed and someone laughed at me, made fun of me, called me a loser or was upset with me. As a result, I either punched them in the face or shrank away and quit. For a long time in my childhood I would get angry and try harder, I would not quit, I would work to prove the naysayers wrong. Of course, this was always pretty much in the context of sports and the playground. 

As I got older and life switched from the playground to the world of business, I had developed some subconsious programming which made me afraid to fail and disappoint others. I developed internal definitions of failure and success based off experience. I adopted viewpoints from the external world based on others' opinions and reactions to me. 

Success became based on money, material possessions, making more revenue, increasing sales, making payroll, growing businesses, giving people raises and a ton of things I really have little control over. As the business owner it is believed I have all the control, the answers and know what to do. Most honest business owners and entreprenuers will admit - I really have no clue most of the time, I don't know what to do, I can't predict the future, I don't have the perfect answer and I have some level fear of the unknown most the time.

I knew I really did not have the answers and at the same time had definitions of success and failure which were not productive. What that resulted in was me analyzing situations over and over and over, running what-if scenarios, trying to predict reactions from all the parties involved AND ultimately I would do nothing. I was paralyzed by the fear of all the potential negative outcomes. 

In the short-term, not taking some action like yelling at someone when I get angry was always a good decision. Restraint and patience when overly emotional all good qualities and that's not the type of non-action I'm referring to here. 

Doing nothing when facing long-term problems always ended up in failure, a long drawn out torturous failure, likely 100 times worse than the quick and fast failure. I was living emotional failure day after day after day and the negative emotional state led to more and more fear. It ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy ~ If I could fail 10 different ways and analyze them all, during the period of analysis I falied in some way I could never have imagined. 

Obviously, my definition of failure was not serving me very well. I was filled with anxiety, worry and wasting an enormous amount of mental energy focusing on negatives. Sure, there were some potential negative results possible from certain actions, but sitting there doing nothing was a guarantee something negative would happen. I was also missing out of positive results and beneficial things that could have happened. Never had something good just happened out of the blue while analyzing the situation, never. 

So, in order to deal with the fear which was causing the non-action, I needed to change my definitions of success and failure. Looking back to the example of learning to walk, it would be failure if I gave up after falling once or never tried to get up and walk. So, giving up and doing nothing is failure, not trying and falling down. Success is getting back up after falling on my face. Success is looking fear in the eye and taking an action, any action really.

I can across this from the Spartan Race yesterday:

Failure is Learning and Learning is Growth. The idea I want to teach my children is to never be afraid to Fail and Learn and Grow. If anything, Fail Often and Fail Fast! The faster you fail and learn and grow the better you can be. 

Do not tie yourself to the definintions of success of the world. Success is not the amount of dollars in your bank account, the value of your home and car, the digits in your 401k, the watch on your arm or size of the diamond in your wedding ring. None of those say anything about who you are as a person and that's all I care about. As that's how I judge other people, that's also how I had to judge myself.

My biggest successes were all born out of my biggest failures. I had ended up in drug rehab after graduating college. That summer I watched the Ironman triathlon on TV and thought I would take the risk to do one of those. I made a commitment, did the training, ignored all the mistakes, problems, training, lack of education and the voices in my head which said I might fail. I blazed the trail and fought those negative voices on a daily basis to show up at the starting line. Just showing up at the starting line I had already succeeded. 

Get in the ring, sign up for the race, open the business... Take the Risk, Fail, Get back up, Take another Risk, Fail, Get Back up... That is life, that is success. 

Email me your successes at ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com

For past blogs go to doughilbert.blogspot.com and askhilbert.blogspot.com

 

  

Dogs... Birth, Old Age, Sickness and Death

I wrote this April 30th, 2014 after our first dog, Maximus, passed away. As we are moving homes I found some of his old stuff and it brought back a lot of good memories. I thought this was a good time to recapture his passing and add in the newest member of the family, Chappel (below): 

Dogs are commonly referred too as "Man's Best Friend" and I can attest to the truth in that statement. I have also seen a poster of a rescue dog & its' owner with the comment "Who saved who?", and there is a very deep truth in that statement.

Without the pain and grief of loss, how would we know the joy and happiness of love. There is a finite impermanence in every living being, an impermance which is unpleasant to face and impossible to prepare for. An impermanence which also reminds us of our own impending impermanence one day.

Maximus was 2 years old when diagnosed with Epilepsy, I remember his first seizure and thought he was dying. There were feelings of panic and the utter helplessness of not being able to help. From there we did phenobarbital treatments, some other medications, but the seizures continued. A side effect of either epilpsy or the meds was he became ravenously hungry and form there gained weight which resulted in thyroid problems. We stopped all the medications and I became a dog food chef (er, cook) and apparently a bad one b/c he would only eat my cooking for a few months.

The longer lasting effect was he developed Diabetes about 2 years ago. He dropped 20 pounds in a weekend, lost bladder control, could not walk and almost died from ketoacidosis.

As a pet owner (I hate "owner", we were family) there was the dreaded moment when faced with the costs of treatment versus the cost on non-action (death). I thankfully was able to afford the treatment, yet left that experience having empathy for those that cannot afford to save their pets, or have to make the decision to put them down.

We started the next treatment for diabetes, Insulin injections twice a day and prescription dog food. Repeat trips to the vet for blood glucose monitoring and insulin adjutments. The diabetes quickly showed it's affect in him developing sever Glaucoma, and within a few days was pretty much blind.

Sunday night Max passed away in our living room next to me. Even after multiple near death experiences with him, the routine thoughts of him dying or dying in the near future, knowing the medical stuff and all of that, I have found there is no preparing for that moment when the certainty of the end and the reality of impermance is reached.

I am grateful he passed quickly & painlessly, and selfishly glad he did not put me in a position to have to put him down or choose between money and his life. Maybe he knew and that was his last gift.With all of his medical conditions and ailments, he never once whined or complained, even in the last hour. He looked outwardly normal and people seemed amazed he looked so good after I told them his issues. I believe there is something to be learned from that, no matter what he faced he was strong, chest out, head up and tail wagging.

8 years goes very quickly, too quickly. The days roll by, live moves by faster and faster and it's normally not until times of loss that we take the time to reflect on all we have and how much we love, appreciate and cherish those around us we love.

It never really occurred to me how much a part of my daily life he was a part of. When I wake up, no Max to let out, no Max to feed, no Max to give meds, no Max to greet us when we come home, no Max to walk or let sleep in the bed. Liam asks about him, wants to feed him and get him water, wants to walk him. He doesn't understand, sometimes I wish I was 3.5 years old too b/c sometimes not understanding is easier.

I've had and have a lot of human friends, but until he came into my life I'm not sure if I ever had a "best friend". Good or bad he always accepted me and I always accepted him, even when I was cleaning up poop in the living room. We had our issues from time to time, he would usually win b/c he has sharp teeth, but we always worked it out. I believe that's what it's like to have a best friend.

I wish I was more creative and could write a poem or draw some art, but I think writing is sufficient and surprisingly cathartic, while slightly torturous going through the photos and memories. If there was ever such a thing as good pain, this might be it.

Money Can Buy Misery

“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time.

You will be doing things you don't like doing in order to go on living. That is, to go on doing things you don't like doing, which is stupid.

Better to have a short life, that is full of what you like doing, than a long life that is spent in a miserable way." ~ Alan Watts

Hearing that hit me hard the first time, because it was how I lived for a long time. Like watching the opening scene of The Lego Movie, it's a direct challenge to my idiotic ways of living. Go local sports team!

In Roman times the phrase used was "Radix Omnium Malorum Avaritia" ~ the Root of all Evil is Greed.  Avarice comes from the Latin root avarus: which means "to crave".  So, it doesn't have to be greed as in the sense of money, it can be craving anything really. When I want more, I am no longer in the mindset of love and am in a position to do something to harm someone else ~ "evil". 

Craving is the desire for more, which appears to be the main "fault" in our collective human condition. Whenever we desire or crave more we are willing to do things which put us at odds with other humans, who also desire and crave more. In the case of things for survival, such as food and water, people will kill. In the case of things not needed for survival, such as $100 tennis shoes, people will kill.  

When I want something at the expense of another person, then love is not present. So, when looking out at America in 2015, there is little love to be seen. That's not a judgment of us all, myself included, we have all just bought into this myth and delusion that we need more. We are sold fear in order to drive our behavior to get more. We are told we are not good enough as we are in this moment, so need material things to feel better, feel safe, feel secure. 

When we are living in fear of not having enough, then we go out and seek more to relieve that fear. But, the fear never leaves by piling more on top of it. Once we have more, we then become afraid of losing it and now need to protect it. It's a fools game and I bought in for sure. Get more and more and more and hoard it then make sure no one takes it from me. It's like watching 4 year-olds play with toys and we live this way as adults, then of course teach our children to "share" and play nice, while we do nothing of the sorts because we are grown up.

In 36 years of life, I do not believe I have ever been in a place or time where I would have needed to kill someone for my survival. So, I have always had everything I have needed at all times. Yet, for most of my "thinking life" I have thought I needed more of everything to survive, thrive, be "safe", be successful, be good enough, be likeable, be dating material, be a good parent or whatever else I listened too.  

How many rolls of toilet paper can I use at once, how many shirts can I wear at once, how many houses can I live in at once, how many cars can I drive at once... The answer is always 1. I can't use two things at once, or 48 rolls of toilet paper either. Why do I feel better having more, because I am afraid of not having enough in the future, that's the only answer. It always comes back to Fear. 

So, being in the process of moving homes, I am examining my personal attachment to things and questioning how I got all this worthless shit in my house. Right now, all of it is creating some form of stress trying to figure out whether to sell it, how to sell it, what to charge, having to communicate with people who want to buy it... then should I keep it and move it, maybe I need it, then how will I move it, when is the time to pack it, do I need to hire and pay movers or do it myself... or should I throw it all in a dumpster, is that wasting, could someone else it... It's fucking madness and it's just stuff. 

This is not how I want to spend my limited time on this planet, managing stuff I can't take with me when I'm dead. I'd rather be playing with my kids, meditating, helping someone, walking the dog, creatively writing or anything else. I haven't written a blog in a long time because I'm trying to decide whether I need 100 towels or I can survive with 2 sets. Frankly, I'm losing my mind over all of this non-sense of stuff. 

And that's just the current example of the insanity that money and stuff is creating in my life. Add in years of failed businesses, being bankrupt ~ as in filing Chapter 7, losing my personal home and multiple vehicles, losing hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash, losing other peoples cash, ruining friendships, going through a divorce, being sued by all kinds of banks, owing the IRS money and piles of non-sense all driven by the desire and false belief I needed more. 

Instead of buying safety I found that Money bought me Misery. Well, not money as it is an inanimate object that is given made up meaning. The constant chasing, striving, seeking, battling, fearing, stressing and doing shit I did not want to do bought me misery. It was all stupid and waste of my time on this planet. Why do all of that crap I didn't like everyday, simply to be able to afford to get the same suffering the next day, until one day I'm dead and none of it mattered. There is no award at the time of death for "Suffered the Best" or "Best Effort at the American Dream". 

There is only right now, and 95% of my moments in this life had been unhappy, fearful, stressful or otherwise unsatisfactory. Why? As Jim Rohn likes to say ~ "I bought the wrong plan". I bought the fear and false mantra that I am not enough and need more. 

They say Money Cannot Buy Happiness, and to some extent that is true, but it can buy survival and the base levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid though:

Once we have our physiological needs met, we can sustain life for a given period of time. If we have no water or food, we are obviously not concerned about our self-actualization because being dead makes that difficult. So, normally we start at the bottom and work our way up the pyramid. 

But what about monks, priests, nuns and people like Gandhi and Mother Theresa? They seemed to survive and thrive just fine without having to go make more money. How come? Well, they don't have ego and are willing to help without expecting in return. They are also willing to ask for others to help them meet their basic needs. Then magically people help them, give them food, give them shelter, give them their basic needs. Those people act in love and the universe keeps them alive with love. It's all very simple. They let go of their egos and fear of not having enough or needing more. 

I've spent years meditating, contemplating, studying and trying to figure out how to not be attached to the desire to want more... More money, more stuff, more power, more everything. 

How much food do I need in my house to feel like I have enough to survive? How much money do I need in my savings to feel like I have enough to survive? How many pair of clothes or shoes do I need to feel like I have enough to survive? It's an endless list of questions and the answer is always ~ I have more than enough in this moment to survive. I don't need millions of dollars to be alive right now, to breathe right now, to feed myself today, to clothe myself today or make it through any part of the day. 

Yet, I have been willing to basically waste my life, day after day, year after year, trying to get more money, to buy more things I don't need, all simply trying to quench some fear that I will not be able to survive for some time in the future. It's absolutely ludicrous when looking at the facts of my existence, again ~ I have never been in a position where I was without something I absolutely needed to survive in that moment.

I have always had enough air, food, water, shelter, clothing and by and large sleep. Anything I desire or crave above and beyond that is Avarice or greed. It is an insatiable appetite which can never be fulfilled. There is always more to be gotten, more needed to feel "safe", more, more, more... It's an endless battle that I can never win.   

When I know, not just intellectually, that in this moment I have everything I need and more, the the desire, craving and most importantly Fear goes away and I can be calm and happy.  

It is fear and ego which keeps me in the cycle of human suffering. If I lost everything, literally everything would I be able to lose my ego and ask you for food to feed to my children? I honestly do not know the answer to that question. If I had to beg for money, for food, for "handouts" would I be able to do it? It's a thought experiment and a good one, luckily though I have my health and could always shovel shit for a few bucks to feed my kids. I don't want to shovel shit though. 

Maybe this is more of a venting blog because I see through the utter bullshit of modern American life. I'm opting out of a lot of it by selling my house, not watching TV, not engaging with news, not buying into commercialization and lies I bought into most of my life. 

Sure, money itself it not evil, really it's just paper or now mostly electronic digits. It doesn't actually exist anywhere other than our minds as an agreed upon exchange of value. Basically, if tomorrow we all thought money had no value, it would have no value. That can be a great mindfuck for everyone piling up paper and electronic digits. 

I myself no longer feel it's a great way to spend my time, amassing another store of potentially meaningless items. I'd rather be able to spend time connecting with people and creating real relationships not dependent on some external determination of the value. 

Email me your thoughts ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com

For past Letters to My Son blogs go to doughilbert.blogspot.com

For Health and Wellness Q&A go to askhilbert.blogspot.com