Fail Often. Fail Fast.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt 

I am working on mastering failure. For a long time I wanted to avoid failure and what happened was I failed any way. I would avoid taking some risk or get stuck in a position of non-action and everything would fall apart. Whether "paralysis by analysis" or "mental mastubation", over thinking or procrastination, it always led back to fear of failure.

50% of businesses fail by year 4 and 71% by year 10.  

If a baseball player fails 2 out of 3 times per game he is an all-star and hall-of-famer batting .333. 

If an NBA player misses half of his shots he is an all-star and hall of famer (only 127 players have ever averaged over 50% accuracy from the field) 

So, what is the big deal with failure anyway? I've been failing since I was a infant. I had to fall down a hundred or thousand times before I could walk. If I had just sat there and been afraid to walk I'd still be sitting there and medically labeled ~ Failure to Thrive.

Somewhere along the way growing up I learned form the world that "failure" was bad or painful and as such it was something I did not want to experience. It makes sense that there are bad, painful things I want to avoid in general, like touching a hot stove. Failure doesn't always end up with me burning my fingers or going to hospital though. 

At some point in childhood I failed and someone laughed at me, made fun of me, called me a loser or was upset with me. As a result, I either punched them in the face or shrank away and quit. For a long time in my childhood I would get angry and try harder, I would not quit, I would work to prove the naysayers wrong. Of course, this was always pretty much in the context of sports and the playground. 

As I got older and life switched from the playground to the world of business, I had developed some subconsious programming which made me afraid to fail and disappoint others. I developed internal definitions of failure and success based off experience. I adopted viewpoints from the external world based on others' opinions and reactions to me. 

Success became based on money, material possessions, making more revenue, increasing sales, making payroll, growing businesses, giving people raises and a ton of things I really have little control over. As the business owner it is believed I have all the control, the answers and know what to do. Most honest business owners and entreprenuers will admit - I really have no clue most of the time, I don't know what to do, I can't predict the future, I don't have the perfect answer and I have some level fear of the unknown most the time.

I knew I really did not have the answers and at the same time had definitions of success and failure which were not productive. What that resulted in was me analyzing situations over and over and over, running what-if scenarios, trying to predict reactions from all the parties involved AND ultimately I would do nothing. I was paralyzed by the fear of all the potential negative outcomes. 

In the short-term, not taking some action like yelling at someone when I get angry was always a good decision. Restraint and patience when overly emotional all good qualities and that's not the type of non-action I'm referring to here. 

Doing nothing when facing long-term problems always ended up in failure, a long drawn out torturous failure, likely 100 times worse than the quick and fast failure. I was living emotional failure day after day after day and the negative emotional state led to more and more fear. It ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy ~ If I could fail 10 different ways and analyze them all, during the period of analysis I falied in some way I could never have imagined. 

Obviously, my definition of failure was not serving me very well. I was filled with anxiety, worry and wasting an enormous amount of mental energy focusing on negatives. Sure, there were some potential negative results possible from certain actions, but sitting there doing nothing was a guarantee something negative would happen. I was also missing out of positive results and beneficial things that could have happened. Never had something good just happened out of the blue while analyzing the situation, never. 

So, in order to deal with the fear which was causing the non-action, I needed to change my definitions of success and failure. Looking back to the example of learning to walk, it would be failure if I gave up after falling once or never tried to get up and walk. So, giving up and doing nothing is failure, not trying and falling down. Success is getting back up after falling on my face. Success is looking fear in the eye and taking an action, any action really.

I can across this from the Spartan Race yesterday:

Failure is Learning and Learning is Growth. The idea I want to teach my children is to never be afraid to Fail and Learn and Grow. If anything, Fail Often and Fail Fast! The faster you fail and learn and grow the better you can be. 

Do not tie yourself to the definintions of success of the world. Success is not the amount of dollars in your bank account, the value of your home and car, the digits in your 401k, the watch on your arm or size of the diamond in your wedding ring. None of those say anything about who you are as a person and that's all I care about. As that's how I judge other people, that's also how I had to judge myself.

My biggest successes were all born out of my biggest failures. I had ended up in drug rehab after graduating college. That summer I watched the Ironman triathlon on TV and thought I would take the risk to do one of those. I made a commitment, did the training, ignored all the mistakes, problems, training, lack of education and the voices in my head which said I might fail. I blazed the trail and fought those negative voices on a daily basis to show up at the starting line. Just showing up at the starting line I had already succeeded. 

Get in the ring, sign up for the race, open the business... Take the Risk, Fail, Get back up, Take another Risk, Fail, Get Back up... That is life, that is success. 

Email me your successes at ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com

For past blogs go to doughilbert.blogspot.com and askhilbert.blogspot.com

 

  

Dogs... Birth, Old Age, Sickness and Death

I wrote this April 30th, 2014 after our first dog, Maximus, passed away. As we are moving homes I found some of his old stuff and it brought back a lot of good memories. I thought this was a good time to recapture his passing and add in the newest member of the family, Chappel (below): 

Dogs are commonly referred too as "Man's Best Friend" and I can attest to the truth in that statement. I have also seen a poster of a rescue dog & its' owner with the comment "Who saved who?", and there is a very deep truth in that statement.

Without the pain and grief of loss, how would we know the joy and happiness of love. There is a finite impermanence in every living being, an impermance which is unpleasant to face and impossible to prepare for. An impermanence which also reminds us of our own impending impermanence one day.

Maximus was 2 years old when diagnosed with Epilepsy, I remember his first seizure and thought he was dying. There were feelings of panic and the utter helplessness of not being able to help. From there we did phenobarbital treatments, some other medications, but the seizures continued. A side effect of either epilpsy or the meds was he became ravenously hungry and form there gained weight which resulted in thyroid problems. We stopped all the medications and I became a dog food chef (er, cook) and apparently a bad one b/c he would only eat my cooking for a few months.

The longer lasting effect was he developed Diabetes about 2 years ago. He dropped 20 pounds in a weekend, lost bladder control, could not walk and almost died from ketoacidosis.

As a pet owner (I hate "owner", we were family) there was the dreaded moment when faced with the costs of treatment versus the cost on non-action (death). I thankfully was able to afford the treatment, yet left that experience having empathy for those that cannot afford to save their pets, or have to make the decision to put them down.

We started the next treatment for diabetes, Insulin injections twice a day and prescription dog food. Repeat trips to the vet for blood glucose monitoring and insulin adjutments. The diabetes quickly showed it's affect in him developing sever Glaucoma, and within a few days was pretty much blind.

Sunday night Max passed away in our living room next to me. Even after multiple near death experiences with him, the routine thoughts of him dying or dying in the near future, knowing the medical stuff and all of that, I have found there is no preparing for that moment when the certainty of the end and the reality of impermance is reached.

I am grateful he passed quickly & painlessly, and selfishly glad he did not put me in a position to have to put him down or choose between money and his life. Maybe he knew and that was his last gift.With all of his medical conditions and ailments, he never once whined or complained, even in the last hour. He looked outwardly normal and people seemed amazed he looked so good after I told them his issues. I believe there is something to be learned from that, no matter what he faced he was strong, chest out, head up and tail wagging.

8 years goes very quickly, too quickly. The days roll by, live moves by faster and faster and it's normally not until times of loss that we take the time to reflect on all we have and how much we love, appreciate and cherish those around us we love.

It never really occurred to me how much a part of my daily life he was a part of. When I wake up, no Max to let out, no Max to feed, no Max to give meds, no Max to greet us when we come home, no Max to walk or let sleep in the bed. Liam asks about him, wants to feed him and get him water, wants to walk him. He doesn't understand, sometimes I wish I was 3.5 years old too b/c sometimes not understanding is easier.

I've had and have a lot of human friends, but until he came into my life I'm not sure if I ever had a "best friend". Good or bad he always accepted me and I always accepted him, even when I was cleaning up poop in the living room. We had our issues from time to time, he would usually win b/c he has sharp teeth, but we always worked it out. I believe that's what it's like to have a best friend.

I wish I was more creative and could write a poem or draw some art, but I think writing is sufficient and surprisingly cathartic, while slightly torturous going through the photos and memories. If there was ever such a thing as good pain, this might be it.

Money Can Buy Misery

“If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time.

You will be doing things you don't like doing in order to go on living. That is, to go on doing things you don't like doing, which is stupid.

Better to have a short life, that is full of what you like doing, than a long life that is spent in a miserable way." ~ Alan Watts

Hearing that hit me hard the first time, because it was how I lived for a long time. Like watching the opening scene of The Lego Movie, it's a direct challenge to my idiotic ways of living. Go local sports team!

In Roman times the phrase used was "Radix Omnium Malorum Avaritia" ~ the Root of all Evil is Greed.  Avarice comes from the Latin root avarus: which means "to crave".  So, it doesn't have to be greed as in the sense of money, it can be craving anything really. When I want more, I am no longer in the mindset of love and am in a position to do something to harm someone else ~ "evil". 

Craving is the desire for more, which appears to be the main "fault" in our collective human condition. Whenever we desire or crave more we are willing to do things which put us at odds with other humans, who also desire and crave more. In the case of things for survival, such as food and water, people will kill. In the case of things not needed for survival, such as $100 tennis shoes, people will kill.  

When I want something at the expense of another person, then love is not present. So, when looking out at America in 2015, there is little love to be seen. That's not a judgment of us all, myself included, we have all just bought into this myth and delusion that we need more. We are sold fear in order to drive our behavior to get more. We are told we are not good enough as we are in this moment, so need material things to feel better, feel safe, feel secure. 

When we are living in fear of not having enough, then we go out and seek more to relieve that fear. But, the fear never leaves by piling more on top of it. Once we have more, we then become afraid of losing it and now need to protect it. It's a fools game and I bought in for sure. Get more and more and more and hoard it then make sure no one takes it from me. It's like watching 4 year-olds play with toys and we live this way as adults, then of course teach our children to "share" and play nice, while we do nothing of the sorts because we are grown up.

In 36 years of life, I do not believe I have ever been in a place or time where I would have needed to kill someone for my survival. So, I have always had everything I have needed at all times. Yet, for most of my "thinking life" I have thought I needed more of everything to survive, thrive, be "safe", be successful, be good enough, be likeable, be dating material, be a good parent or whatever else I listened too.  

How many rolls of toilet paper can I use at once, how many shirts can I wear at once, how many houses can I live in at once, how many cars can I drive at once... The answer is always 1. I can't use two things at once, or 48 rolls of toilet paper either. Why do I feel better having more, because I am afraid of not having enough in the future, that's the only answer. It always comes back to Fear. 

So, being in the process of moving homes, I am examining my personal attachment to things and questioning how I got all this worthless shit in my house. Right now, all of it is creating some form of stress trying to figure out whether to sell it, how to sell it, what to charge, having to communicate with people who want to buy it... then should I keep it and move it, maybe I need it, then how will I move it, when is the time to pack it, do I need to hire and pay movers or do it myself... or should I throw it all in a dumpster, is that wasting, could someone else it... It's fucking madness and it's just stuff. 

This is not how I want to spend my limited time on this planet, managing stuff I can't take with me when I'm dead. I'd rather be playing with my kids, meditating, helping someone, walking the dog, creatively writing or anything else. I haven't written a blog in a long time because I'm trying to decide whether I need 100 towels or I can survive with 2 sets. Frankly, I'm losing my mind over all of this non-sense of stuff. 

And that's just the current example of the insanity that money and stuff is creating in my life. Add in years of failed businesses, being bankrupt ~ as in filing Chapter 7, losing my personal home and multiple vehicles, losing hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash, losing other peoples cash, ruining friendships, going through a divorce, being sued by all kinds of banks, owing the IRS money and piles of non-sense all driven by the desire and false belief I needed more. 

Instead of buying safety I found that Money bought me Misery. Well, not money as it is an inanimate object that is given made up meaning. The constant chasing, striving, seeking, battling, fearing, stressing and doing shit I did not want to do bought me misery. It was all stupid and waste of my time on this planet. Why do all of that crap I didn't like everyday, simply to be able to afford to get the same suffering the next day, until one day I'm dead and none of it mattered. There is no award at the time of death for "Suffered the Best" or "Best Effort at the American Dream". 

There is only right now, and 95% of my moments in this life had been unhappy, fearful, stressful or otherwise unsatisfactory. Why? As Jim Rohn likes to say ~ "I bought the wrong plan". I bought the fear and false mantra that I am not enough and need more. 

They say Money Cannot Buy Happiness, and to some extent that is true, but it can buy survival and the base levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid though:

Once we have our physiological needs met, we can sustain life for a given period of time. If we have no water or food, we are obviously not concerned about our self-actualization because being dead makes that difficult. So, normally we start at the bottom and work our way up the pyramid. 

But what about monks, priests, nuns and people like Gandhi and Mother Theresa? They seemed to survive and thrive just fine without having to go make more money. How come? Well, they don't have ego and are willing to help without expecting in return. They are also willing to ask for others to help them meet their basic needs. Then magically people help them, give them food, give them shelter, give them their basic needs. Those people act in love and the universe keeps them alive with love. It's all very simple. They let go of their egos and fear of not having enough or needing more. 

I've spent years meditating, contemplating, studying and trying to figure out how to not be attached to the desire to want more... More money, more stuff, more power, more everything. 

How much food do I need in my house to feel like I have enough to survive? How much money do I need in my savings to feel like I have enough to survive? How many pair of clothes or shoes do I need to feel like I have enough to survive? It's an endless list of questions and the answer is always ~ I have more than enough in this moment to survive. I don't need millions of dollars to be alive right now, to breathe right now, to feed myself today, to clothe myself today or make it through any part of the day. 

Yet, I have been willing to basically waste my life, day after day, year after year, trying to get more money, to buy more things I don't need, all simply trying to quench some fear that I will not be able to survive for some time in the future. It's absolutely ludicrous when looking at the facts of my existence, again ~ I have never been in a position where I was without something I absolutely needed to survive in that moment.

I have always had enough air, food, water, shelter, clothing and by and large sleep. Anything I desire or crave above and beyond that is Avarice or greed. It is an insatiable appetite which can never be fulfilled. There is always more to be gotten, more needed to feel "safe", more, more, more... It's an endless battle that I can never win.   

When I know, not just intellectually, that in this moment I have everything I need and more, the the desire, craving and most importantly Fear goes away and I can be calm and happy.  

It is fear and ego which keeps me in the cycle of human suffering. If I lost everything, literally everything would I be able to lose my ego and ask you for food to feed to my children? I honestly do not know the answer to that question. If I had to beg for money, for food, for "handouts" would I be able to do it? It's a thought experiment and a good one, luckily though I have my health and could always shovel shit for a few bucks to feed my kids. I don't want to shovel shit though. 

Maybe this is more of a venting blog because I see through the utter bullshit of modern American life. I'm opting out of a lot of it by selling my house, not watching TV, not engaging with news, not buying into commercialization and lies I bought into most of my life. 

Sure, money itself it not evil, really it's just paper or now mostly electronic digits. It doesn't actually exist anywhere other than our minds as an agreed upon exchange of value. Basically, if tomorrow we all thought money had no value, it would have no value. That can be a great mindfuck for everyone piling up paper and electronic digits. 

I myself no longer feel it's a great way to spend my time, amassing another store of potentially meaningless items. I'd rather be able to spend time connecting with people and creating real relationships not dependent on some external determination of the value. 

Email me your thoughts ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com

For past Letters to My Son blogs go to doughilbert.blogspot.com

For Health and Wellness Q&A go to askhilbert.blogspot.com