When Doors Close

She said she never wanted to talk to me ever again.

That was over the phone and if it was in person it would have ended with a door slamming in my face. The comment felt much worse than a door hitting me in the face, it was like getting stabbed in the gut. I imagine getting stabbed in the gut feels much worse than in the back, especially if I know the person.

She hung up on me after saying she never wanted to talk to me ever again and I immediately thought I was going to throw up in my car. Instead I did something worse, I sent some pathetic text messages, emails and facebook mesages trying to reopen the door. Thankfully, she never responded and blocked me on facebook so I could not self-implode more.

I had sold my soul for her and then it was pitifully returned to me in more little pieces than before. It wasn't her fault though, it was mine.

I don't even think we were dating anymore before that conversation. She had officially broken up with me weeks before, but I told her I wanted to be "friends", which was a lie. If I wanted to be her friend I would have let her go and moved on, maybe chatted on occassion if it was necessary. Instead, my version of friendship was basically being a vulture waiting for some road kill.

I could grow a beautiful garden to eat from, but as I did not love myself, I believed waiting for some scraps was a better option. I was a total disaster on the inside and had nothing to offer myself, so just one minute a day of validation from someone else was better than nothing.

In the end, I was the road kill, except I was still alive to feel being pecked at by birds and ran over again by new cars.

---

I was desperate. Desperate not to be alone. Desperate to be validated as a man or even a human being. Desperate for someone to say they loved me because I did not love myself. So, when I heard "I love you" from her I immediately sold myself out and did whatever she wanted.

I stopped all hobbies, working out, reading, communicating with friends and basically going to work even. I would get annoyed anytime I had to do something where we had to be apart. I was addicted to her validation. I disregarded anything she did that annoyed me or I did not like, I was a gumby.

Of course, that is also what caused her to look differently at me, disconnect, withdraw and eventually go off on me, call me a pussy, break up with me and otherwise remove me from her life. She was of course totally right about me. I was not a man, I was some entity sucking her energy - a vampire.

I thought if I did everything she wanted, I was always there, I never said 'no', I was nice, I was sweet, I was "good enough", then I'd get her validation and then I would feel ok about myself. Problem being, that's impossible for both parties. I would not always be 'perfect' and she couldn't ever constantly validate my self-worth.

All of my relationships up to that time had been co-dependent like that - either I was the bottom and she was the top or vice versa. Whatever it was, it could never work. Two broken people do not equal one whole person in any universe. Not that healthy people don't have down times where the other can help, it is not a requirement or the basis of the relationship.

---

My immediate reaction to getting dumped was to start looking for someone else new to fill the gaping void in my center of mass, it was more than a hole in my heart or chest, I was as empty as possible. In the past it would have been drugs, but since kicking that habit I had also tried new things - money, overworking, triathlon and relationships.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results and getting into another relationship at that point would have been insane for sure. I knew from the pain I was at yet another bottom, this time it was a emotionally crushing bottom, albeit sober and one I could not blame on drugs or anything else.

One door closes and another opens. I hated hearing that because it was true. So, I had to look forward and walk through that new door, even though I had no clue what it was or where it was going. I could either give up and live a life of quiet desperation or have the courage to face the fear and walk forward.

I decided to do something different. Maybe it's maturity of some sort, maybe it was divine intervention, maybe I recognized my problem for once and made the correct choice. It's hard to remember but I think I got advice from someone older and wiser than myself that I was the problem, not her, and until I fix my problem I should not be in any relationship.

"No relationships" was not the advice I wanted to hear, it certainly was the advice I needed to be told. Normally I would have ignored said advice and done something stupid, I guess that's the point in the story where I can accept some positive responsibility - I listened.

---

I made a challenge to myself  - no relationships and no sexual activity (including self) for one year. Also, I needed to quit smoking, but quitting smoking was way easier than quitting relationships and sex. Quitting smoking, drugs, sugar or whatever doesn't necessarily mean I have to change anything but that behavior.

My problem was myself, my low self-esteem, my needing another person to "complete me", my giving up my sense of self-worth to the opinion of another. I was not okay in my own skin at all at really any time in life. I removed the drugs but I still had the same problem - me.

I needed to go on a hero's journey and do my 40 days in the desert to learn who I really am, why I am here, what I have to offer and how to maintain my integrity and personal health in all relationships.

I could not have done any real self-introspection, self-work or made any meaningful changes if constantly dating or in a relationships during that period. So, just like drug rehab I put myself in relationship rehab.

The year I took "off" really went by quickly. I can't say I ever felt bad or that it was hard, maybe lonely at times was the worst thing. Yet, I knew I had to learn to be alone and love myself before even considering opening the door again.

I made a commitment to my personal and mental health. It tried new things I was scared of. I learned how to cook enough not to need to eat out. I read a lot of books. I meditated daily, sometimes more than once. I did a lot of housework and yardwork. I can't say I did better at work as I knew it would be easy to go overwork and avoid myself. Basically, I spent a lot of time alone. When I did not have the kids, I was normally alone.

---

When the year was up, I felt I could begin the practice of dating and relationships. I like to think of it as a practice because it is not perfect. Doctors and lawyers "practice" their vocations, so I think practicing relationships is similar. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. The key is we learn from the mistakes and make changes to be better as people and couples.

I am not always 100% positive, I still have self-doubt, I still care what other people think, I still have some hesitancy communicating how I feel, I still overreact, I still have some fears from the past. I also sometimes fall back into the old way of thinking. The difference now is it is temporary and I have proven to myself I hold the solution within me.

So, of course, "healthy" people still have issues, we are human. My definition of healthy is we have a way to deal with our problems in a positive and mature manner that is not self-destructive or hateful to others. For me, many times the positive habit I engage with is meditation. It could also be working out, eating healthy, taking to a friend, writing, taking a walk, my list of positive healthy habits in now much larger.

---

From wanting to throw up in my car, broken and desperate, to where I sat this morning, meditating in my living room it's been quite a path.

There was a fork in the road from one door slamming in my face - I could have chosen to retrace the same path that I already knew or the new one where I could maybe come out a better person.

The old path, while I knew it did not work and always ended poorly, was still familiar and I knew the ups and downs. My whole life I was willing to take the major downs to get just a little bit of the ups. It's the same tradeoff with drugs, I was willing to accept the major downside for just a little bit of feeling good.

The new path was scary, it was new territory, I did not know the risks in advance - it took me out of my illusions of control. There were and are still bumps in the road, there always will be. I do not control other people, I can't make sure they always love me or even like me, I can't guarantee they will be around forever. I do know I will always be with myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

I have my moments where I have self-doubt, fears, get my feelings hurt and am not the perfect man. I now know I have a reservoir of experience and a home to go inside of myself where I can work on those things. I trust myself. Simply sitting, meditating, breathing I know I am not perfect, I am not in control, but I am doing the best I can in this moment to be the best man I can and for once that is good enough to me.

---

If you like this, please buy my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle or paperback through Amazon.

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

You are an Atomic Reactor

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds. Have no fear for atomic energy, 'Cause none of them can stop the time." - Bob Marley

In the Redemption Song, I believe Bob Marley is speaking of the eternal time that IS, not 8am Central Standard Time. Atomic energy, or really its' misuse, could one day end human clock time, but it can never destroy the eternal "Isness" or existence of the universe. 

In thinking about atomic energy (or any large topic) I try and bring it back to a personal level for myself to understand it. How is this a metaphor for my personal life and what can I learn from it to help others. 

In a basic sense, I am an atomic reactor. I consume "exterior" inputs, split atoms, and create something from them. Everything has an input and an output, whether I acknowledge it, notice it or not. Nothing stays the same inside me, it always undergoes constant transformation - there is no static or neutral affect. I can transform good things to better things just as I can transform "bad" things to good things. 

How I transform things is based on how powerful my spirit is. If I am weak in spirit it will be very difficult to transform bad things to good things as that takes a lot of energy. Sometimes I can input so many bad things the spirit breaks, the mind breaks, the body breaks and then bad things get worse. 

The most simple illustration is eating. I consume food, split the atoms in my digestive track and transform the food into energy and waste. In my past I consumed too much of the wrong kinds of food and the result was I became overfat, created a lot of waste and little useful energy. It becomes a spiral downwards, which requires a massive amount of energy to get out of. It is much easier to not be overfat in the first place than it is to lose weight. Yet, it happened to me and billions of other people.

To bring in some science, the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics states that the entropy (disorder) of a system will always increase in time. So, over time I will always become more disordered, which means I will always require more maintenance to avoid disorder and then more energy to restore order to the disordered system. Think of a business, as it grows it normally becomes more disfunctional and needs more systems, rules and managers to keep it working properly. 

I like this definition of entropy below - 'gradual decline into disorder.' That pretty much defines our human existence in our bodies, it defines our governmental systems, financial systems, school systems, family systems, relationships... If left unattended, all of those quickly devlove into disorder.

It is easier to maintain a system than to repair one. Thus, eating properly, meditating, walking, smiling, talking and being present in my relationships on a daily basis are easier to do than let them all fall apart and have to make some massive energy to correct the problems. 

I have never been so good at maintenance and many times have had to make huge efforts to correct very systematic problems with my health and relationships. A good analogy is changing the oil in a car - sure it's annoying and boring, but if not done after some time the engine blows up and then it's a costly repair versus $20 here and there.  I have to develop the discipline to do the maintenance to avoid the disaster.

Many people think I did something great by recovering from drug addiction, recovering from bankruptcy and being able to keep going and not give up in the face of disaster. Maybe that's great, I still would have preferred to never be in the place of disaster in the first place. Many of the disasters in my life could have been prevented with some basic maintenance, but I did not know any better. I did the best I could in those times as if I could have done better I would have. 

Now I know better and still find myself falling into the trap of not maintaining things. I don't think I'm special in any bad way, it's a fault of the brain and human condition. We are not made to really think that far in the future. We are not that far evolved from apes, only capable of thinking about what we need right now to survive. 

So, I have to build structure, discipline and protection for myself and my mind to avoid falling into disaster again. This is difficult, especially when things are generally going well. That's when the maintenance and discipline are the most important. I'm very good at disaster recovery, I've been doing it my whole life. Maybe there is a career or job doing that, I'd be good at it and could get paid. 

---

There is so much I do not control... you, them and everything else outside of myself. 

I start with the basics that I can control - the external inputs I allow into my body and mind. I spoke of food already, I try to eat healthy and nutrition food, that's a good start for physical and mental health. 

A more powerful form of consumption is that of the mind. This covers all of what I feed my brain with. This is a challenging form of consumption to control with all the forms of media in the world today. 

Every single image or piece of data is actually stored and logged in my mental memory banks building a warehouse of information in which my mind constructs a view of what I call "reality". Food for my mind also comes from the people I surround myself with and their "outputs". 

When I spent most of my time focused on what I saw, heard and was told  to believe about myself and the world, it was not a pretty picture. No wonder I can get overly stressed, depressed and worried. The world has something to sell and it is normally a need, want and fear to consume their product. It can be like drinking poison for my mind. I start to believe I need and want what they are selling because I will not be enough without them.

I consume all of those external "things" and through the power of the mind and body transform them into physical and mental energy. If I consume fear and negativity it requires more energy from my mind to transform it into something good. If I consume love and positivity, then there is little energy required and my mental, emotional and spiritual self is still on the path.

As Bob Marley sang, I must first emancipate myself from mental slavery. There is hope for personal emancipation and the one important step is refining my external environment to limit the amount of toxicity I allow into my spiritual core. Thus, why I don't watch the news, limit media inputs, try not to spend too much time on social media as a protection for my mind and spirit. Liberation is difficult when bombarding my brain with unhealthy external inputs.

Bringing in clean, healthy, non-toxic material into my core is the only way to be able to emit radiant beauty. Clean food, positive influences, loving people, a healthy environment, etc... are all absolutely essential in being able to live a positive, healthy and loving existence. Being there, after some time I am better able to transform the garbage from the external environment into flowers. 

Ask

I have a hard time asking for what I want and always have. Sometimes it is fear of rejection by being told 'no'. Sometimes it is fear of making someone else uncomfortable and then maybe they will not like me. Whatever the excuse is, it is based in fear.

At some point in life I needed or wanted something and was rejected, told no, lost a friend, upset someone, a relationship failed. Those times imprinted memories and created circuitry in my brain that bad things would continue to happen and I would not get what I needed or wanted in life.

Of course, there were also many more times I asked for what I wanted and I got it. For every 'no' I likely got 10x more yesses. My brain wants to avoid pain, so that one negative time was much more impactful than those 10 positive results.

Over years I learned my needs and wants were not important to others, despite having little evidence to support that thought. I also learned that if I wanted or needed something I would have to get it myself, which is sometimes true, although a much harder way of living through extreme effort to do everything alone.

---

I am a social creature built for cooperation and support. Sure some people don't live that way and will take advatange of me, hurt me or use me. Many more people in my life have been there to support me, help me with my dreams, goals and vision. More times though I have decided to keep to myself and sit in silence desperately want to share, only to not to.

Holding all of my wants and needs insides, hoping they would come true, hoping others would read my mind, hoping I could do it all by myself only led to a life of quiet desperation. This desperation would ultimately end in resentment, anger and self-destructive behavior. I was reinforcing I was not worthy of getting my needs and wants met by the world.

As a result I would not give to the world, give in relationships, give as a parent, give as a business partner, give as a human. I did not love myself, did not believe anyone loved me and then was empty and incapable of giving love. With a mindset not loving others, it made sense in my mind no one loved me back. It was an extremely lonely way of living.

---

As a child, young man and adult I bought into this meme that men do not need anything. That men are strong and by asking for help a man shows he is weak. I thought I could become this stand alone mountain capable of giving myself everything and never needing others. This is absolutely wrong from my experience. There is no way I could possibly give myself all of my needs and wants in life.

I cannot grow my own food, I cannot provide my own water, I do not provide the sunlight, I do not tell my cells to divide and grow or my immune system to function to keep me healthy. My quest to be a 100% independent entity seprate from the world was a futile and ignorant goal.

It does not make me less of a man to ask for help or to need others. I need the sun, the earth, the farmer, the rancher, the water company worker, the electrical company worker, the sewer company worker, the police officer, the firefighter, the teacher, the coach... I need you. In return when I have something to give - talent, skill, resources, time, love - then you need me to.

---

I have never really known what I wanted in life. Most of my past wants were based on building this island for myself where I did not need you. Mostly my wants were resource based - stockpiling food, material possessions, money, business contacts and things which when I had enough of them, then I could be an island and feel safe. There is never enough of those things and I never felt safe.

I feel safe when I love myself and have close, loving relationships.

---

What I want now is to help a million people in some way, large or small. I want to give love and be a positive impact on this world while I am here. That is why I write, to give. To really live I have to ask as well. To have a balance between giving and receiving. To only give and never receive is not living in balance.

I don't like to sell because I do not like to ask and be vulnerable in that moment. I cannot help a million people without asking or promoting what I have to offer. I believe what I have to offer is of value and can help others - my writing, my books, my coaching, my knowledge, my resources, my talents, my skills and my love.

Putting myself out there is vulnerable and a challenge most of the time. Writing a book was easy, promoting it not so much. I have learned if I never ask for anything I will never get anything. I cannot help people if I do not put myself out there to you.

I am asking you to help me reach my goal of helping a million people by buying my book now. It's only $0.99 on Kindle or $5.77 for the paperback.

Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First


Will you help me by sharing my information with a friend you think needs health and wellness coaching?

douglashilbert@yahoo.com
314-610-4146


Will you help me by asking me what I can help you with today?