When our Home was Foreclosed

I bought my first home, single and in my own name, December 29th, 2004. I was 26 years old and thought this was the pinnacle of adulthood and the "american dream". I finally had something that was "mine". This was a delusional thought of course, as I had a mortgage.

When I have a mortgage, it's not really my house. I'm renting it from the bank, it's really theirs. I'm just keeping it safe for them - maintaining it, paying the taxes for them, keeping it insured for them and if I don't pay them, they can legally take it back. It's the same as paying rent, just different words used to confuse me into thinking one thing when it's not reality.

If I had bought my house with cash, then I would have owned it, but I did not have $190,000 in cash at that time... or well, any time since. I should have just kept renting and saving money (not investing it) until I could buy a cheap house in a safe enough neighborhood with cash. Maybe I never would have bought anything, but I'd still have cash, which is better than a good credit score.

Mortgage has an Old French root from 1189 ~ "Dead Pledge". Basically life expectancy was so low that people borrowed this money and were expected to die before paying it back and the creditor needed a way of getting their money back, thus foreclosure. 826 years later this is still relatively true, most people never pay off their dead pledge. And with amortization, the bank gets more interest today than tomorrow, so they love sales and refinances... it creates new dead pledges where they get more interest today.

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On January 5th, 2010 the bank foreclosed on my home and took it back. I gave them the keys, turned off the utilites and drove away. The day I gave the keys back to the bank was really a huge relief.  I no longer had a dead pledge to carry around on my back every day.

I had months before stopped paying and given up on my attachment to the home. A home which I had poured tens of thousands of dollars into improving, updating and living in. A home I had constantly stressed about each minute of the day figuring out how to make the payment. A home I drove myself crazy over trying to "keep". It was a cathartic experience losing everything, although one I would never have chosen for myself. It's like puking after drinking too much, it sucks but feels so much better afterwards.

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I thought I was doing the right thing, building savings, building equity, being responsible, being an adult and on the path of the "american dream". When things went sideways in the real estate crash I thought I was doing the right thing by spending all my money paying my debts and honoring my contracts. My beliefs were wrong on both sides. It was all a large waste of time, capital and emotion. All it did was bring suffering during the experience.

The bank did not care if I paid the debt, the bank is not a person. Even the people I interacted with really did not care, and if they expressed care it was an attempt to manipulate me to pay. Maybe they cared about losing their job, because if too many people did not pay they would get laid off. Either way, it was pointless for me to care about honoring a contract when the other party didn't care. Plus, I didn't have the money to pay anyway.

I had been brainwashed by our culture to care about credit and paying debts to corporations, (I pay back friends and family). That somehow my playing this game correctly made me a "good" person and me not paying made me a "bad" person. This is very powerful for the banks and creditors to lever in getting their money. There is a lot of guilt and shame in failure and not paying debt, people kill themselves over it.

There were people all over the news saying it is "wrong" and unethical to not pay debts. That we all, as americans', owed some sense of responsibility to the banks, society and the economy to pay our debts. This is total b.s. Corporations default on debt all the time and are never called unethical. There is a contract for debt and when one party does not follow it, there are ways to settle it legally. That's all it is, there is no stigma. It just did not work the way it was set out, things change.

When I was losing this house I had already lost over $500,000 of my own, friends and family's capital investments into other real estate companies. I had over $10,000,000 in other real estate related debts. I was once a millionaire (on paper) with "equity" and within a 3 month span had a net worth of -$3,000,000... negative 3 Million.

I thought I was a totally worthless person as a result. I became 60 pounds overweight, depressed, angry and a drug addict. Only drugs could overpower the internal pain and suffering I was imposing on myself. And that's what it was - self imposition. I beat the shit out of myself based on my beliefs of what was good and bad, beliefs I adopted without my inspection.

No banker ever told me I was worthless, only 1 guy ever got mad and he just walked out of a meeting. Family and friends were mostly supportive, minus the ones I thought would try to kill me but I guess those aren't friends. My daughter still loved me.

I did not love myself, maybe I never did, but this time I had a reason to not love myself. I defined myself as a "failure" and I was "losing everything".

I almost died on an emergency room bed from drug addiction. I was doing drugs because I hated myself and wanted an escape. I hated myself b/c I believed I was failure based on losing money, cars, homes and having "bad credit". My self-worth was enmenshed with my financial success and material possessions, I was never taught another way.

A few months' out of drug treatment I went to a Buddhist monastary and learned meditation. I was really confused to see all of these really happy people - monks and nuns - who had no materials possessions. How could they be happy without money and stuff? It was such a mystery I had to figure it out.

This led to a deep dive into uninstalling all the non-sense programs that had been installed in my brain for 20+ years. After getting a somewhat clean slate, then I could upload a new program, one based on love. Love for self, love for others. All that matters is Love. I Love you. You are more than your money, your career, your home and your credit score.

When I decided I could and was going to love myself and others all the negativity went away. I no longer defined myself by my material possessions or money. I tried living the way of the "american dream" and being ambitious in business and it did not work. So, instead of killing myself I just needed to live another way. Through Buddhist and stoic philosophy I found that way.

I met with all the banks and told them I could not pay. I told the truth. I helped where I could. It all worked out. Then I got married and bought another big house with a mortgage, stupid. I guess I need to learn things the hard way. It is said entreprenuers must go broke twice before getting "it" the third time, so I guess I fit that rule.  

The American Dream is a lie, or at best it does not exist. There are 300,000,000 million people in America, how can "we" have a dream together? We cannot. The root of the lie of the American Dream is based in debt, education and home "ownership". Work hard, go to college, borrow a ton of money for education, get a degree, buy a car with a loan, get a promotion, buy a house, get a mortgage, work harder to afford it all, paint your house and update your kitchen, work hard to pay for it, then die.

The banks make trillions of dollars in home loans, car loans, credit cards, etc... They don't care if you kill yourself over suffering to pay them back. No bank ever came to the hospital to see how I was doing. To be fair, some of the people who worked at banks were good people and I am still friends with them. They were suffering too, everyone was suffering at that time. We were all delusional.

Borrowing money is a trap, there is no such thing as a "good debt". I got a finance degree and learned all about "good debt" and lost my ass and filed bankruptcy. I can do the math on levered ROIs and still failed b/c I don't control macro economics, or anything but my actions. I simply bought the wrong plan.

There is no "good debt" for individuals, especially when borrowing from corporations. Student loans are not good, car loans are not good (well maybe 0% financing), mortgages are not good debt (unless you are the 1% who can pay it off at anytime and can get the tax benefit), credit cards - not good... Basically, don't borrow money, you don't need whatever it is the money is going to buy anyway.

- You can take all of the classess MIT offers online for free or little money. You can get the education without getting the degree. You'd be smarter than most people and have no debt. I would hire you over some other person with a degree, all that tells me is that person played the game good enough to get a piece of paper, not that they can think. Getting a self-education shows you can think and will keep thinking and growing.
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- Buy a cheap car with no loan. Dave Ramsey says this to about everyone who calls into his show. I wanted nice cars to signal to you I am "good" or "successful". There really are few crappy cars anymore, it's just a way to get somewhere. Better, buy a bike or move somewhere you can walk. With Uber, ride sharing and self-driving cars, car ownership will eventually go away any way. Kids are smart these days, they don't want cars. It's an expense & depreciating liability you cannot get a tax deduction for.

- Rent before getting a mortgage... It's not throwing money down the toilet. You still need somewhere to live regardless. It's not like you have to live on a park bench if you don't buy a house. Homes are not good investments... I wrote this blog a while back - http://doughilbert.blogspot.com/2015/01/is-buying-home-good-investment.html

- Pay cash for everything else. I hate spending cash, so I really think about everything I buy. Do I really "need" this thing? When I have credit or debit cards I just swipe away. It's the same reason casinos use chips and not cash, there is a disconnect between us and our money.

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So, I "lost" all of that stuff and gained a new perspective on life. I gained more time to do things I like, such as spending time with my children and loved ones, coaching, helping others, writing, meditating. I gained more time to love myself and love you.

It was a valuable lesson I had to learn to be where I am now. I don't have much money now, I rent an apartment, companies grow and companies fail, sometimes I have more money, sometimes less... The difference now is I do not suffer over things. I love myself and I love you and when I act in that way everything always works out.

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If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle or paperback through Amazon.

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Small Words of Kindness do Matter

I have been coaching 4 and 5 years old in soccer the past month on weekends. I know soccer having played from the time I could walk through college. I coached boys and girls high school soccer for 5 years after college and am coaching high school again now. So, from a soccer competency level I believe I am qualified for the position.

I have a 13 year old daughter, so went through the 4-5 year old stage with a girl. I currently have a 5 year old son, so am living the 4-5 year old stage with a boy. Thus, felt somewhat qualified to deal with children this age. I also lived at a kids camp in Maine for a summer, coaching children from 7 years old through high school age, so even have some experience coaching younger ages.

Even knowing I am qualified and experienced to do this, there is this critic voice in my head that likes to tell me I suck from time to time. It's not just in coaching 4-5 year olds, there is that critic in my head who says I suck at everything, yes everything.

The critic has always been there from what I can remember. It's not as loud now, but it still chimes in from time to time with the same old refrain from childhood - you suck and no one likes you.

I remember playing soccer games and thinking I played like crap, mostly because I made some mistake at some point. Teammates, coaches and parents would say "great job" or whatever and I would blow it off because it did not agree with the belief in my head that I played poorly. This would then happen in every aspect of my life, not just sports.

It's no surprise to me I turned to drugs in the past, they work in temporarily turning the critic off and all the sudden I am the greatest person in the world to myself. Of course drugs wear off, then in the aftermath the critic becomes it's loudest, which requires more drugs and then one day drugs no longer work and that is living hell.

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In reality, most of the time I am doing a good job at things and yet the critic still says I suck from time to time. It tells me other people are judging me and they think I suck too, although with no evidence of course; it's rare someone tells someone else they suck at something. We are a generally polite society.

Even intellectually knowing I am doing a good job, the second something does not go the way I planned or I make an error, that critic will jump in with a big "told you so". The tendency in the past was then to attach to that thought, reinforce it and make it a belief. I know this pattern very well in my brain, so have worked very hard on cultivating mindfulness through meditation and not "positive thinking" to deal with the critic. No amount of positive thinking can overcome that internal critical voice in my head.

At the same time I had an insane work ethic (who is sane and does an Ironman?), but that work ethic was mostly fueled by that belief I was never good enough. It was really a raging inferno inside me, a battle of epic porportions to prove to myself and the world I was good enough. I acheived a lot of things using that fire to drive performance and excellence. It also was my ultimate downfall. My biggest strength was also my biggest weakness. Two sides of the same coin - low self esteem.

Never being good enough combined with an insane work ethic is a recipe for disaster. Think of all the supremely "successful" people with tragic and depressing lives. The billionaires, movie stars and sports stars who are drug addicts, go bankrupt or end up killing themselves. Tortured into excellence by never being good enough.

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I was walking to my car after coaching 4-5 years olds today thinking "well, that sucked, I was terrible" and "maybe this is not for me". Sure it did not go perfect, but really what involving 4-5 year olds goes perfectly to plan. What even goes perfect when dealing with adults? Nothing. Still I had some doubts based on listening to the critic in my head.

As I am putting my stuff away in the car a parent calls over from across the parking lot thanking me for today. That was nice I thought and said "thank you" and smiled. She then said, "you have the patience of a saint". I responded "I have a 5 year old and 13 year old, so I've earned that patience the hard way". That of course is not true, I am the least patient with my own children and that seems to correspond with every other parents' experience! My response was simply a deflection of the compliment and I should have just thanked her for the nice compliment, but I didn't and why not?

I have a tendency to take critiscisms of myself very personally, especially external critiscism which agrees with my internal critics' view of myself. I also have a tendency to deflect compliments, especially if they contradict my internal critics' view of myself.

As I drove away I took a moment at a stop sign to close my eyes, relive the moment of the compliment and breathe it in. I wanted to reinforce the good moment, that I am patient, I did do a good job (even getting corresponding external validation) and that today was a success by all meaningful definitions.

Things may not have gone as planned, but I acted in a way which is congruent to the person I believe I am - unconditionally loving, kind and patient. That is a success regardless of the outcome.

Kids were running all over the place, not listening, complaining and one team was really losing the game we played. I thought of all the individual moments with kids where I was genuinely smiling, laughing, listening, patient, compassionate and helpful despite the "plan" falling apart.

Of all the successes of the day, zero of them revolve around any one kid gaining a soccer skill or getting "better". They were learning life skills: how to interact with other children and adults, that's it's ok to be "losing" and that it is the effort that counts, that they will be listened to by an adult when they have a need, that someone not their parent will help them and also that a coach can be one of the main things coaches are not generally thought of - loving.

I got to help them put on jerseys, held gloves and hats, tied shoes and ran around with them pretending to be birds, a t-rex and something I don't know what it was, but we all still pretended and had fun. I got high fives at the end, I like that.

While the stated job is to coach soccer, that's not really the job. The job is to be of service, be an example, be patient, be compassionate, be kind and be loving. If they learn something about soccer that is simply a bonus.

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Today also reminds me to compliment and thank people as they too have that critic in their head - we are all human, we all have doubts. Any small word of kindness may be what that person needs in order to know they did a good job and that their internal critic is wrong about them.

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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Embrace Uncertainty

Embrace Uncertainty

Everything in life is impermanent and constantly in a state of change. As humans we are born, we age and we die, it is the natural cycle of life. The same is true for everything else from particle physics to the greater universe. In science there is Entropy, the dispersion of energy or the constant change of systems from order to disorder. Everything changes, always. 

Yet, even with this intellectual and scientific knowledge we still seek certainty and security in all aspects of life, then mentally suffer when we do not have certainty or "lose" security (sometimes just the thought of potentially losing security).

Much of our society and economic system is built around providing certainty and security to people through social structures and financial and materials things. While those things may be good, they too are impermanent and will one day go away, sometimes quicker and sometimes slower. Everything I have ever had in the past went away and all I have now will go away - people, jobs, companies, money, possessions and ultimately my life.

For myself, thinking about that loss and the uncertainty of when things would go away was causing extreme anxiety, ending ultimately in depression and substance abuse. I simply could not live with change and uncertainty. My brain wanted to to know what would happen and that the things I liked and loved would always be there. I was trapped in an existence of fear.

Fear was crippling in my life at many times. The result typically would be inaction as I could not deal with fear as the root emotion, so sitting in it and over thinking was my choice. Inaction and avoidance was the way I dealt with most situations, which normally led to something worse happening in the long run. It also was a way for me to opt out of making a decision and taking responsibility. 

Fear does not exist anywhere but in our brains. It's the lizard brain alerting us to some risk, which is good, otherwise if we saw a bear in the woods we would say hello and not run away. Problem being, I have never seen a bear in the woods, my fear comes from loss of money, not providing for my children, loss of social status, people thinking "bad" about me and other relatively benign things compared to death. 

Making decisions out of fear is not normally a good thing to do, so I could rationalize my inaction to some extent because the fear felt like I was always seeing a bear in the woods. All fear was that real. 

How could I get to the root of the fear and become a happier person able to take correct action and make right choices? 

1. Meditate on Death. 

Death is a normal and required part of the human experience. To believe or think anything different is simply denial. Every person ever born has died and we aren't ever going to "re-born" as our same self from what I can see. All we have is Now, not the past and not the future, just Now. 

I have been spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically dead at some point in my life. Having that experience gave me a perspective that death is imminent and also that life must be lived Now. I read a lot about death, meditate on death and talk about death, which makes me smile and gives me a sense of immediacy in what I do.

There is no "do-over" in life. We get one chance in each moment, there is no doing something in a next life or heaven. We can never do something tomorrow, we can only do something today. 

2.Unconditionally Love.

We make decisions from fear or we make them from love. Using that framework makes it very easy to know what to do in all situations. Fear is my ego (small I) clinging to a false sense of certainty and security for myself. Love (big I) is choosing to do what is in right alignment with promoting the happiness and well being of all living beings, including myself. 

It is hard to override the lizard brain inside me which has the sole goal of survival. It wants me to eat, drink, find shelter, make money and generally be comfortable so I do not die. This is not a bad thing of course, as if we are dead we cannot be of service to others, nor continue the species. 

I have food, water, air, shelter, clothing and all of Maslow's base layer of hierarchy of needs. Making decisions to get more of those than I need, or any other external material item gives me a false sense of security. I do not need more. All I need is to give more love and all of my needs will be taken care of. 

3. Mind the Gap.

All of life is a series of transitions from one thing to another. Today I woke up, made coffee, took my supplements, drank coffee, meditated and drove my car to the office. Every time I switched tasks there was a transition or gap. In the past these daily habits were simple and mindless tasks I did not give much thought to. What I try to do now is acknowledge I am transitioning from one thing to another and to do so mindfully, taking even just one breath in between to recenter myself in the present.

By practicing that simple, daily practice it enhances my ability to use it during major life transitions. Being able to acknowledge I am not in alignment with my higher purpose, that there needs to be significant change, that there is fear present and that I have the ability to take action and transition even with the presence of fear. 

Fear cannot be fought off, the brain will win and keep me in a state of inaction. Fear can only be accepted and transformed through action. That happens by minding the gaps in my life. Once I take the action there may still be fear, but normally the excitement of change will trump that. 

Sit in the fear, meditate on the fear, find the root of the fear in the gap and the fear will reduce. It will not go away until the action is taken though, meditation without action is simply self-torture in my experience. 

4. Jump off the Cliff.
Everything has always worked out in my life to have me sitting here writing this today. Therefore, I can judge nothing that happened in the past as "bad", it was simply necessary for me to learn and become the person I today here and now.

I remember going cliff jumping in junior high for the first time. I stood on the edge for minutes, although it felt like hours, before turning around and not jumping. I was frozen in the fear of all the negative potential outcomes - mainly major injury and death. I never thought about all the positive potential outcomes.

Later in high school, I jumped off the cliff. I was also intoxicated and while I still had some minor feelings of fear, drugs and alcohol allowed me to do what I had once not been able to. Of course I lived and was free from injury. I learned I could do hard things when intoxicated and took that on into the rest of my life, mostly making stupid decisions which ended poorly of course.

I have since learned intoxication is not a good method for overcoming fears, whether it's asking a girl to dance, changing careers or really anything. Still, it showed me that somewhere deep inside myself I had the ability to take action when experiencing fear. The key was finding the courage to act sober and the only way to do that was to simply do it - jump off the cliff. In doing so everything has worked out as I am still here alive.

I have a very analytical mind and can do some quite extensive mental probability charts of all the potential risks in life. I have found this to be more of a hindrance than benefit. My brain likes to focus on the negative outcomes and ignore the positive outcomes. 

Why risk love when the potential for immense pain exists? 

Why change what I have today for something which may cause loss in the future? 

All I know is that I could never predict the future and could never have imagined the course of my life up to today. Everything is changing, so no matter what I do there is risk. Better to live life, love deeply and jump off the cliff than walk back down that cliff again and live a life of quite desperation and regret. 

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Embrace uncertainty as it is the natural state of life and the physical universe. Think about our death, as we will all die one day, sometimes slower and sometimes quicker. Unconditionally love ourselves and everyone else. Mind the gaps and transitions in life as necessary. Then take the risk and just jump off the cliff. 

Transform fear to Love. Ask someone to dance. Change college majors. Quit college or don't go. Change careers. Do what you love. Be true to yourself. Do only that which loves others, including yourself.  If you live this way, you will always have what you need.  

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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Do Not Lie to Your Children

Liam had a loose tooth and I said that the tooth fairy will come and leave him money for it if he puts it under his pillow. This is a lie of course. There is no tooth fairy, or santa or easter bunny or hundreds of other things we lie to small children about.

I felt immeditately bad for lying to him and doing what generations of parents have done before. So, why did I lie?

I was programmed to believe telling him this lie will somehow save him from some potential unknown negative emotion or suffering. I do not believe that is a good reason to lie, nor that it is a correct method to achieve the desired result = teaching him and helping him deal with any questions, concerns or fears about the event.

Also, it was more convenient for me to lie than sit down and explain to a 5 year old why his tooth fell out and the science behind it. Although I know engaging in that conversation and telling the truth would have taught him something and maybe had a positive effect on his mood or quelled any fears. Basically, it was easier for me to lie than tell the truth and I knew it immediately.

And really, he was excited to lose a tooth, not stressed or worried in any way. So my lie also meant I missed out on truly experiencing a really cool moment in his life, one which I could have shared in his excitement.

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The real effect is our children grow up and realize they have been lied to by their parents. This creates some disconnect in their brain between parents as being the people who love them unconditionally and protect them, versus the people who lied to them.

My parents lied to me, their parents lied to them, their parents lied to them and now I lie to my children. As a result, my children lie to me. It's a cycle of lying in every family, possibly for the entire existence of humans on the planet.

I teach my children not to lie, but of course am the largest example of a hypocrite in their life if I continue with the tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa claus, not to mention millions of other societal lies we say to our children.

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I had always had a difficult time trusting people, which seems completely rational based on being lied to by my parents, other family members, mates, partners, employees, coaches, teammates and well everyone else. My default lack of trust seems to be a normal conditioned response to the environment I was in, which is more than likely the same environment most other people are in too unfortunately. Lying does not discriminate.

But I learned I mainly had a hard time trusting people because I was lying as well, and that is my responsibility to change. 

It's amazing how the less I lied the more I trusted people, even understanding they would still lie to me sometimes. Now, I go into every situation believing the other person until evidence shows I should not. This is a much happier way of existence than believing everyone is lying and trying to screw me over.

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If I love my children (or anyone else) AND I love myself - the only correct action to take in all situations is to tell the truth. While I can intellectually understand this, it is of course difficult and uncomfortable at times. Love is not easy or convenient sometimes, so to maintain integrity with my vision to unconditionally love, I am required to tell the truth. Simple, not easy.

My favorite quote from Thoreau's Walden is "Rather than love, than money, than faith, give me truth. I sat at a table where rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequios attendance, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board."

I used to struggle with this quote because what is more important in life than love? While I was struggling, I realized I was reading "truth" as the "intellectual truth" or being right, and that is not more important than love.

Now I have come to understand there cannot be love without truth. Well, there cannot be true unconditional love without truth, and really, any other kind of "love" is not love anyway.

I say I unconditionally love my children, yet lie to them. This is what causes the discord and mental suffering, as lying and love are not compatible. It is ok to make mistakes, search inside and realize there is a better way. Part of why we are here is to learn and break the cycles which entrap us and future generations.

It's "new agey" to call not lying "Radical Honesty", but really it's just honesty and there is nothing radical about always being honest.

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If you like this post please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com

Confessions of an Over-Exerciser

I no longer "Exercise"

From the above most recent photo, I am not 'overfat'. I prefer 'overfat' versus 'overweight' b/c weight is fairly irrelevant. We can lose muscle mass and gain fat mass but remain the same weight, which would be negative for our health. Many women can attest we can lose fat, gain muscle mass and gain weight as well. This would be positive for health, but it can be negative for our minds when we are attached to the number "weight" on a scale. As a result, I advise all clients to throw their scales away.

As a health coach and as someone not overfat, I am constantly asked what I do for "exercise" and I answer "I no longer exercise", which is true. I used to train for athletic competitions, training and exercise are different. I no longer am competitive, so I do not train either. My focus now is on health, well-being and happiness; none of which are dependent on exercise.

Exercise is some form of arbitrary movement normally with the purposes to lose weight, look good, attempt to offset sitting on one's butt all day or because we think we are "supposed to". Exercise is also something we normally do not want to do nor like doing once engaged. It's suffering with no real purpose and likely - no real results. All the gyms, trainers, sports, races, food companies, supplements, (ie. marketing companies) prey upon this mis-belief we have to "exercise". It's total b.s., but people buy it and all those companies make billions of dollars.

I do not exercise because forcing myself to do something I do not want to do is pointless. If something is not adding to my well-being and happiness then it is subtracting from it. There is no neutral affect in life (at a minimum it cost me time, which is more valuable to me than anything).

When I work with a client and they think they "need to run" and hate running, I tell them not to run. We have little time on Earth as it is, so why suffer needlessly, especially when it won't really work to reach your goal anyway. Most overfat people are metabolically broken, over-stressed and biomechanically inefficient, so running in that state will only make the problems worse, not better. Same goes for most conventional forms of "exercise" - they simply do not work for fat loss.

The result is the trainer, gym, supplement company, marathon race or whatever else basically gets a lifetime client stuck in a negative feedback loop. We train, make no progess (or get worse), then are told we need more of what is not working. Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." And that's what we do in the mainstream "exercise" dogma.

In the past I was an "over-exerciser" and ruined my health and well-being. I would argue to anyone that being any kind of competitive elite level athlete requires a trade off between health and fitness. The problem being - most of us aren't competitive or getting paid and still we are willing to ruin our health for some arbitrary fitness goal. The long list of divorced amateur triathletes, marathon runners and weekend warriors I know is astounding, I am one of them. 

I absolutely ruined my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health when a competitive athlete. This is not solely because of the training and diet, it was also because of chasing the rewards of winning, being "good" or "better" - seeking external validation of my self-worth as a human being through achievement. 

As a child through college, I trained and played hard to win and be better than other people, not because I actually enjoyed much of the process or the sport. Winning was all that mattered and the only time sport was fun; when I lost it was a mental, emotional and spiritual loss - now I was not "good enough". For some time, that pain drove hard work and some success, but eventually it lead to a dead end. 

As an adult post-college, I trained and competed again to win and beat others, but this time I also wanted "look good naked" to attract a mate as that was becoming more important. In that way, athletics was also a "healthy" way for me to stroke my own ego and vanity, but typically only when I thought I looked better than someone else or found a mate, which was erratic at best. There is always someone better and better "looking".

I wasn't fat by any means, but people would ask if I was sick all the time. When I was racing at my best as an adult I was 145 pounds at 24 years old, which was the weight I was as a Junior in high school at 16/17 years old. My guy friends would joke that I had AIDS. I had an 8 pack, but I also had like 5% body fat and was obsessed with losing one more pound becuase I believed I would be albo to go faster as a result.

It's not common for men to speak of body image issues as it's typically thought of as a "female problem". I can assure you most men also have body image issues. When men see all the muscled up hollywood stars, magazine cover models, TV stars they experience the same thing women do with all the "perfect" versions of females floating around in the media. 

On top of all of that I smoked my hormone levels, experiencing extremely low testosterone and cortisol, which led to feelings of exhaustion and depression and continued substance abuse issues. Throw on a typical athlete diet high in carbohydrates and I got to add in experiencing anxiety, blood sugar issues and eventually metabolic syndrome (pre-diabetes). I was exercising to win and attract a mate and even if I found a mate, I was worthless in the relationship part.

So other than the external validation of people thinking I was a good athlete (which only exists in my head now), there was no other benefit in my overall life. It cost time, money, mental health, physical health, relationships and all I have to show for it are some plaques and trophies and the general perception by most I am "fit" or an "athlete". By and large, no one cares what I did in sports, it only comes up when people ask me what some of my tattoos are now.


What do I do now?

99% of body composition is diet and sleep in my opinion. Sure, we can exercise 40 hours a week to not be overfat or have a six-pack, but it will only work in the short term and there will be long term health and well-being consequences.

There is an epidemic of  endurance athletes with heart problems, starting as young as their 30s. There is an epidemic of endurance athletes with metabolic syndrome, diabetes and other blood sugar related issues. Just go to a triathlon or marathon and there will be a large number of "overfat" people, yet we believe these people are healthy somehow. It is not their fault, they are doing what they are told.

Another major factor in my current success, body composition and happiness is that I eat a ketogenic diet, which is basically high fat, moderate protein and low carbohydrate. Now I don't "have to" exercise and I still have a 4-pack, which is good enough as I no longer care about having a 6-pack. No one else cares if I have abs or not and to quote Dr. Tommy Wood, "There are no studies showing people with six-pack abs live longer".

On the ketogenic diet I can still do whatever I want to by physically active without having to "exercise" to prepare for it. I can play soccer for an hour on weekends with friends or with my high school soccer team on the spot. I can lift heavy weights whenever I want to, maybe not for a PR anymore, but as long as I can squat my weight I am good now. I can play with my son on the playground for hours and run with him while he rides his bike. I can go on a 2 hour bike ride at any point and be fine without needing gels, powerbars or sports drinks. I ran a 12.4 and 15.5 mile trail race with no training and did them with no problem and without needing to eat.

If I am active now I try to do it with other people, which is what I always wanted - to be connected with others. What is the result? Health, wellbeing, happiness and connection...

If you like this, check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com