This is a copy of a blog I wrote on Facebook on October 29th, 2014 (I edited a few things from the original text):
"A few weeks ago I came across an article named "To Love Deeply with Abandon" by Chuck Bauman: http://www.lifeonaire.com/articles/details.aspx?id=334
I don't know Chuck or anything about him personally, yet I was drawn to the article, the openness and radical honesty in it. Chuck has been living a vision to love unconditionally and offers insight into his decades of experience with the challenge. He is radically honest in his assessment that he has largely "failed". Even in failing, he is not deterred and it is a positive article with extraordinary strength and hope. I don't know that I ever made a public declaration to love unconditionally, but once I read his article I knew that is what I have tried to do at times and need to re-commit to do daily.
I believe I am undertaking the hardest thing I can ever do, so my "failure" is certain; yet my success is not determined by perfection, my success in spiritual matters is determined by progress. For 14 years I have been in the process of unlearning decades of incorrect programming the world has taught me from very early years and there is no 'reset' button to clear my memory. Over the years I get off track and go back to living the old programming, then must recommit to the process. It may likely take the same amount of time to unprogram and reprogram myself as it took to program; so I am prepared to make a lifetime commitment. As I have been on and off this path at different times in my life... In my experience, being on this path I have been exponentially happier, yet being off the path is materially easier.
Unconditional (adj.) - not subject to any conditions.synonyms:wholehearted, unqualified, unreserved, unlimited, unrestricted, unmitigated,unquestioning
Not subject to any conditions... so whether someone is in my family is a condition. Whether someone is my same race or from my country is a condition. Whether someone is cutting me off in traffic is a condition. Whether someone is calling me an idiot is a condition. Whether someone is kicking me in the shin is a condition. Whether someone is punching me in the face is a condition. Whether someone is divorcing me is a condition. Whether someone kidnapped my child is a condition. Whether someone murdered my sibling is a condition. Whether someone is rioting and looting is a conditoin.
When presented with those conditions, we can see how extremely difficult of a challenge unconditional love truly is. Basically, anytime anyone is not doing what I want or I am not getting what I want, for any reason, then I have an expectation that is not being met and I am not loving them.
Most would say then that unconditional love is impossible and many others will say it is not practical, it is naive, stupid, childish, dangerous and puts us at risk of being hurt emotionally and physically, sometimes badly. Yes, it is all of those things and that is why it is worth it. There is nothing more valuable we can give to another person than unconditional love. There is no better gift we can receive from another person than their true unconditional love. It is the rarest thing on the planet and should be cherished when it is attained, even for only one second, as it is the true treasure of life.
It's normal to have an expectation (the word would be "expected") of others not to do certain things, like physically attack me or people I care about, and I believed I had a"right" to be angry and not love evil people who do heinous acts - I was wrong. Even in the most extreme, any time I am not unconditionally loving ALL others, I am closed off to being able to unconditionally love those close to me. Anger and love cannot occupy the same space in my head, just I cannot have to two thoughts at the same exact moment.
So, unconditional love has no "On/Off Switch" for me, it is either on all the time or it is off all the time. Picking and choosing who to love unconditionally is not an option I have when taking this path. When anything but love exists in my mind I am shutting the door to all love, so I must attempt to remain in the mindset of love at all times. When I accept and understand that loving those who are difficult grants me the opportunity to love those close to me, loving others who are difficult becomes an easier practice. I can become grateful for difficult people and the situations they present me to grow my love, as my love grows for them - it also grows for those close to me and grows for myself.
My world operated on contracts, both expressed and covert; almost all of my relationships were 'give and take' or 'take and take' - riddled with expectations - which is why my relationships were difficult and mostly failed because really - I was using someone or they were using me or we were using each other, always to get something we were not giving ourselves. Unconditional love is 'give and give and give', there is never any take, there is no "what I get", "my", "mine" or "self" involved. I used to believe I would give something in a relationship and the other person would reciprocate or do something in return and we would be "good" because that's how it works, right? No! Problem I discovered is I am not perfect and neither is anyone else, so I or my partner will 100% surely fail to uphold our end of the bargain at some point, with the result being hurt feelings, strife, discord and eventually the dissolution of the relationship.
My world operated on contracts, both expressed and covert; almost all of my relationships were 'give and take' or 'take and take' - riddled with expectations - which is why my relationships were difficult and mostly failed because really - I was using someone or they were using me or we were using each other, always to get something we were not giving ourselves. Unconditional love is 'give and give and give', there is never any take, there is no "what I get", "my", "mine" or "self" involved. I used to believe I would give something in a relationship and the other person would reciprocate or do something in return and we would be "good" because that's how it works, right? No! Problem I discovered is I am not perfect and neither is anyone else, so I or my partner will 100% surely fail to uphold our end of the bargain at some point, with the result being hurt feelings, strife, discord and eventually the dissolution of the relationship.
In my life, most challenges actually came (come) in those small unmet expectations - acknowledgement, love, sex, touch, quality time, gifts, kind words, etc... And normally from those closest to me because I have the largest expectations from them. I "gave" the most to them or they were family, children, girlfriends or wives and they were supposed to do something for me as a part of those labels. I "gave" based on my label as family, father, boyfriend or husband and was fulfilling my "role", so they needed to do theirs. Yet, if I am giving with the expectation of receiving something or a result, then I am not unconditionally loving them as they are. And, so the process of change started for me when I looked back at my entire life and realized my belief that I was unconditionally loving others was really most times a covert "give and take" contract - if I do X, they do Y. It is a brutal and hard reality to come across, yet without that understanding I could never change.
The enemy of my unconditional love is my own expectations. As shown above, I think someone should do something or I should get something as a result of my doing something or my pure existence on the planet or whatever my rationalization is. It's all based in my ego and desire for everything from affirmation, control, money, sex, recognition, feeling good, the list is endless of what I want or think I need. Another enemy is fear, but fear is just my projecting in the future that I will not get what I want or I will lose what I have - it is not real.
Why do I really do anything most of the time? To get something I want/need or to avoid pain, it's attraction or aversion (fight or flight); I want what I like and don't want what I don't like... Constant judging and expecting... Constant suffering. It's not that complicated when I sit down and am honest with myself and understand the functions of my brain. For a basic example, I work to earn money to pay for food, clothing, shelter and other needs and possessions. It is part of my brains' design and main function - keeping my body alive & continuation of the species - breathe, eat, drink, sleep, have sex. If I didn't have that part of my brain I would likely be dead as it would be hard to remember to breathe 24/7/365.
So, I have to first accept that loving unconditionally is going to directly conflict with a part of my brain which is essential for survival, it is the lizard brain (amygdala) and it cannot be reasoned with - like talking to an actual lizard. It is where all fear originates, the fear of pain, loss and death. The brain does all it can to avoid pain and death and then seeks pleasure, there is nothing wrong with it and I actually need it to be alive. With understanding comes acceptance, I can have a lizard brain thought and say to my brain, "thank you for the thought friend, there is nothing to fear, we will be ok". Every time I take that action, the power of the next fear thought is less and less and less. The only time I need my lizard brain to work in the forefront is in life or death situations, which I have been in probably zero to date, or zero I could do anything about.
So, I have to first accept that loving unconditionally is going to directly conflict with a part of my brain which is essential for survival, it is the lizard brain (amygdala) and it cannot be reasoned with - like talking to an actual lizard. It is where all fear originates, the fear of pain, loss and death. The brain does all it can to avoid pain and death and then seeks pleasure, there is nothing wrong with it and I actually need it to be alive. With understanding comes acceptance, I can have a lizard brain thought and say to my brain, "thank you for the thought friend, there is nothing to fear, we will be ok". Every time I take that action, the power of the next fear thought is less and less and less. The only time I need my lizard brain to work in the forefront is in life or death situations, which I have been in probably zero to date, or zero I could do anything about.
Thoughts, and fear based thoughts, will never go away entirely until I am dead or brain dead, so I must accept the brains' job is to give me those thoughts, which is all they are - thoughts. It is my choice to engage with them, talk to them, believe them, dismiss them or simply let them go. It is MY CHOICE, I am not a victim to the thoughts my brain gives me. They are just thoughts, they mean nothing most of the time and I can't predict the next one - pink elephant, see, no clue that was coming. I am not my brain and I am not my thoughts - I am the person watching and reacting to those thoughts = The Observer.
What is the solution or antidote to my expectations? Acceptance and unconditional self-love. The solution for me is not trying harder to have no expectations, as all that does is reinforce the expectations in a negtive feedback loop, force of will cannot solve my thinking problems. I must always accept the results of my actions - no matter what they are; it was the best I could do at the time - because it was and it is over; I do not have a time machine to go back and do any better, all I can do is learn and try to do better next time. Living life in the past is like walking into the future backwards - I cannot see where I am going, which makes it even more difficult. Accept, reflect, learn and try to do better every new moment. Continual improvement is the path, continual acceptance along the way makes my path easier and more efficient. With acceptance comes an increase in unconditional self-love, which is really the cornerstone to me. If I do not unconditionally love myself, it is impossible to unconditionally love anyone else and I cannot give that which I do not possess.
Practicing loving myself unconditionally improves my ability to love others unconditionally and at the same time practicing unconditionally loving others improves my ability to unconditionally love myself.
Practicing loving myself unconditionally improves my ability to love others unconditionally and at the same time practicing unconditionally loving others improves my ability to unconditionally love myself.
I have done many difficult things in life - Ironman, marathons, starting businesses, parenting, marriage, divorce, drug rehab, AA, meditation, writing... Self-acceptance and unconditional self-love is the most difficult undertaking of them all. I believe it to also be the most rewarding thing I can ever do with this life. The feeling of being able and capable of unconditional love is immense (infinite) and worth any potential risk of suffering. Life becomes better than my limited brain could have ever imagined how good it can be, lizards don't have very good imaginations, right?
Where to start??? I have found the easiest way to begin practicing unconditional love is with complete strangers or animals as I have very low expectations of them, although I do have some expectations - like someone should say "thank you" or at least acknowledge me if I hold the door open for them. If not, then that person is "rude" and hey, I don't "deserve" that treatment b/c I am special, unique, better than that person, civil, humane, thankful, polite, not an ass... it's all judging myself better than them, which is not love, it's my ego. Maybe they are having a horrible day, just got diagnosed with cancer, lost a child or are otherwise suffering? Who am I to judge someone I do not know in one second based on one action? Would I like someone to do that to me, of course not. And, am I sure I have thanked every person who has ever held a door open for me my entire life? Likely not, so I must humble myself in that moment.
Instead of judging and to instead unconditionally love - I must hold the door open to simply be of service to others and expect nothing in return. If they smile and say thank you I do not feel "better" and if they do nothing I do not feel "worse". I must expect nothing and not get attached to the positive or negative results, otherwise I reinforce the expectation b/c I want more of the good feeling and less of the bad feeling. If I get attached to people thanking me and smiling, then what if no one says thank you for a while? I may quit holding the door open for anyone b/c I'm not getting what I want again. Even something as small as holding the door open can be a challenge, so start somewhere and be prepared to fail often, but know it gets easier with practice and I will never be perfect.
I'm no guru, anyone special, annointed, enlightened or claim any spiritual expertise... I didn't invent anything I just said, it's my experience and most of it I learned from other people and their experiences, who without, I would still be in some living hell, suffering and reliving the same drama and chaos over and over. I feel I have a responsibility to pass on what I have been taught, giving it forward.
I'm a normal guy, I have good days, I have bad days, I have selfish days, I've been in some really bad places and I've been in some really good places... I have found that the only thing that really matters is that I am here now and am making this choice to take this action today. I offer my experience with the hope that anyone reading this can gain even the smallest iota of strength and hope to make the choice to take the risk to unconditionally love for today.
I really like this song and the music video is powerful to me:
"Today live like you want to, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, Live like a Warrior"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p53pDNodxHE
Today I am awesome and getting better in each moment by choosing to Live like a Warrior for Love... What do you want to do today?
With Metta ~
I'm a normal guy, I have good days, I have bad days, I have selfish days, I've been in some really bad places and I've been in some really good places... I have found that the only thing that really matters is that I am here now and am making this choice to take this action today. I offer my experience with the hope that anyone reading this can gain even the smallest iota of strength and hope to make the choice to take the risk to unconditionally love for today.
I really like this song and the music video is powerful to me:
"Today live like you want to, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, Live like a Warrior"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p53pDNodxHE
Today I am awesome and getting better in each moment by choosing to Live like a Warrior for Love... What do you want to do today?
With Metta ~
doug
