She said she never wanted to talk to me ever again.
That was over the phone and if it was in person it would have ended with a door slamming in my face. The comment felt much worse than a door hitting me in the face, it was like getting stabbed in the gut. I imagine getting stabbed in the gut feels much worse than in the back, especially if I know the person.
She hung up on me after saying she never wanted to talk to me ever again and I immediately thought I was going to throw up in my car. Instead I did something worse, I sent some pathetic text messages, emails and facebook mesages trying to reopen the door. Thankfully, she never responded and blocked me on facebook so I could not self-implode more.
I had sold my soul for her and then it was pitifully returned to me in more little pieces than before. It wasn't her fault though, it was mine.
I don't even think we were dating anymore before that conversation. She had officially broken up with me weeks before, but I told her I wanted to be "friends", which was a lie. If I wanted to be her friend I would have let her go and moved on, maybe chatted on occassion if it was necessary. Instead, my version of friendship was basically being a vulture waiting for some road kill.
I could grow a beautiful garden to eat from, but as I did not love myself, I believed waiting for some scraps was a better option. I was a total disaster on the inside and had nothing to offer myself, so just one minute a day of validation from someone else was better than nothing.
In the end, I was the road kill, except I was still alive to feel being pecked at by birds and ran over again by new cars.
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I was desperate. Desperate not to be alone. Desperate to be validated as a man or even a human being. Desperate for someone to say they loved me because I did not love myself. So, when I heard "I love you" from her I immediately sold myself out and did whatever she wanted.
I stopped all hobbies, working out, reading, communicating with friends and basically going to work even. I would get annoyed anytime I had to do something where we had to be apart. I was addicted to her validation. I disregarded anything she did that annoyed me or I did not like, I was a gumby.
Of course, that is also what caused her to look differently at me, disconnect, withdraw and eventually go off on me, call me a pussy, break up with me and otherwise remove me from her life. She was of course totally right about me. I was not a man, I was some entity sucking her energy - a vampire.
I thought if I did everything she wanted, I was always there, I never said 'no', I was nice, I was sweet, I was "good enough", then I'd get her validation and then I would feel ok about myself. Problem being, that's impossible for both parties. I would not always be 'perfect' and she couldn't ever constantly validate my self-worth.
All of my relationships up to that time had been co-dependent like that - either I was the bottom and she was the top or vice versa. Whatever it was, it could never work. Two broken people do not equal one whole person in any universe. Not that healthy people don't have down times where the other can help, it is not a requirement or the basis of the relationship.
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My immediate reaction to getting dumped was to start looking for someone else new to fill the gaping void in my center of mass, it was more than a hole in my heart or chest, I was as empty as possible. In the past it would have been drugs, but since kicking that habit I had also tried new things - money, overworking, triathlon and relationships.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results and getting into another relationship at that point would have been insane for sure. I knew from the pain I was at yet another bottom, this time it was a emotionally crushing bottom, albeit sober and one I could not blame on drugs or anything else.
One door closes and another opens. I hated hearing that because it was true. So, I had to look forward and walk through that new door, even though I had no clue what it was or where it was going. I could either give up and live a life of quiet desperation or have the courage to face the fear and walk forward.
I decided to do something different. Maybe it's maturity of some sort, maybe it was divine intervention, maybe I recognized my problem for once and made the correct choice. It's hard to remember but I think I got advice from someone older and wiser than myself that I was the problem, not her, and until I fix my problem I should not be in any relationship.
"No relationships" was not the advice I wanted to hear, it certainly was the advice I needed to be told. Normally I would have ignored said advice and done something stupid, I guess that's the point in the story where I can accept some positive responsibility - I listened.
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I made a challenge to myself - no relationships and no sexual activity (including self) for one year. Also, I needed to quit smoking, but quitting smoking was way easier than quitting relationships and sex. Quitting smoking, drugs, sugar or whatever doesn't necessarily mean I have to change anything but that behavior.
My problem was myself, my low self-esteem, my needing another person to "complete me", my giving up my sense of self-worth to the opinion of another. I was not okay in my own skin at all at really any time in life. I removed the drugs but I still had the same problem - me.
I needed to go on a hero's journey and do my 40 days in the desert to learn who I really am, why I am here, what I have to offer and how to maintain my integrity and personal health in all relationships.
I could not have done any real self-introspection, self-work or made any meaningful changes if constantly dating or in a relationships during that period. So, just like drug rehab I put myself in relationship rehab.
The year I took "off" really went by quickly. I can't say I ever felt bad or that it was hard, maybe lonely at times was the worst thing. Yet, I knew I had to learn to be alone and love myself before even considering opening the door again.
I made a commitment to my personal and mental health. It tried new things I was scared of. I learned how to cook enough not to need to eat out. I read a lot of books. I meditated daily, sometimes more than once. I did a lot of housework and yardwork. I can't say I did better at work as I knew it would be easy to go overwork and avoid myself. Basically, I spent a lot of time alone. When I did not have the kids, I was normally alone.
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When the year was up, I felt I could begin the practice of dating and relationships. I like to think of it as a practice because it is not perfect. Doctors and lawyers "practice" their vocations, so I think practicing relationships is similar. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. The key is we learn from the mistakes and make changes to be better as people and couples.
I am not always 100% positive, I still have self-doubt, I still care what other people think, I still have some hesitancy communicating how I feel, I still overreact, I still have some fears from the past. I also sometimes fall back into the old way of thinking. The difference now is it is temporary and I have proven to myself I hold the solution within me.
So, of course, "healthy" people still have issues, we are human. My definition of healthy is we have a way to deal with our problems in a positive and mature manner that is not self-destructive or hateful to others. For me, many times the positive habit I engage with is meditation. It could also be working out, eating healthy, taking to a friend, writing, taking a walk, my list of positive healthy habits in now much larger.
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From wanting to throw up in my car, broken and desperate, to where I sat this morning, meditating in my living room it's been quite a path.
There was a fork in the road from one door slamming in my face - I could have chosen to retrace the same path that I already knew or the new one where I could maybe come out a better person.
The old path, while I knew it did not work and always ended poorly, was still familiar and I knew the ups and downs. My whole life I was willing to take the major downs to get just a little bit of the ups. It's the same tradeoff with drugs, I was willing to accept the major downside for just a little bit of feeling good.
The new path was scary, it was new territory, I did not know the risks in advance - it took me out of my illusions of control. There were and are still bumps in the road, there always will be. I do not control other people, I can't make sure they always love me or even like me, I can't guarantee they will be around forever. I do know I will always be with myself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
I have my moments where I have self-doubt, fears, get my feelings hurt and am not the perfect man. I now know I have a reservoir of experience and a home to go inside of myself where I can work on those things. I trust myself. Simply sitting, meditating, breathing I know I am not perfect, I am not in control, but I am doing the best I can in this moment to be the best man I can and for once that is good enough to me.
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If you like this, please buy my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle or paperback through Amazon.
If you want to chat, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com
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