I have been coaching 4 and 5 years old in soccer the past month on weekends. I know soccer having played from the time I could walk through college. I coached boys and girls high school soccer for 5 years after college and am coaching high school again now. So, from a soccer competency level I believe I am qualified for the position.
I have a 13 year old daughter, so went through the 4-5 year old stage with a girl. I currently have a 5 year old son, so am living the 4-5 year old stage with a boy. Thus, felt somewhat qualified to deal with children this age. I also lived at a kids camp in Maine for a summer, coaching children from 7 years old through high school age, so even have some experience coaching younger ages.
Even knowing I am qualified and experienced to do this, there is this critic voice in my head that likes to tell me I suck from time to time. It's not just in coaching 4-5 year olds, there is that critic in my head who says I suck at everything, yes everything.
The critic has always been there from what I can remember. It's not as loud now, but it still chimes in from time to time with the same old refrain from childhood - you suck and no one likes you.
I remember playing soccer games and thinking I played like crap, mostly because I made some mistake at some point. Teammates, coaches and parents would say "great job" or whatever and I would blow it off because it did not agree with the belief in my head that I played poorly. This would then happen in every aspect of my life, not just sports.
It's no surprise to me I turned to drugs in the past, they work in temporarily turning the critic off and all the sudden I am the greatest person in the world to myself. Of course drugs wear off, then in the aftermath the critic becomes it's loudest, which requires more drugs and then one day drugs no longer work and that is living hell.
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In reality, most of the time I am doing a good job at things and yet the critic still says I suck from time to time. It tells me other people are judging me and they think I suck too, although with no evidence of course; it's rare someone tells someone else they suck at something. We are a generally polite society.
Even intellectually knowing I am doing a good job, the second something does not go the way I planned or I make an error, that critic will jump in with a big "told you so". The tendency in the past was then to attach to that thought, reinforce it and make it a belief. I know this pattern very well in my brain, so have worked very hard on cultivating mindfulness through meditation and not "positive thinking" to deal with the critic. No amount of positive thinking can overcome that internal critical voice in my head.
At the same time I had an insane work ethic (who is sane and does an Ironman?), but that work ethic was mostly fueled by that belief I was never good enough. It was really a raging inferno inside me, a battle of epic porportions to prove to myself and the world I was good enough. I acheived a lot of things using that fire to drive performance and excellence. It also was my ultimate downfall. My biggest strength was also my biggest weakness. Two sides of the same coin - low self esteem.
Never being good enough combined with an insane work ethic is a recipe for disaster. Think of all the supremely "successful" people with tragic and depressing lives. The billionaires, movie stars and sports stars who are drug addicts, go bankrupt or end up killing themselves. Tortured into excellence by never being good enough.
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I was walking to my car after coaching 4-5 years olds today thinking "well, that sucked, I was terrible" and "maybe this is not for me". Sure it did not go perfect, but really what involving 4-5 year olds goes perfectly to plan. What even goes perfect when dealing with adults? Nothing. Still I had some doubts based on listening to the critic in my head.
As I am putting my stuff away in the car a parent calls over from across the parking lot thanking me for today. That was nice I thought and said "thank you" and smiled. She then said, "you have the patience of a saint". I responded "I have a 5 year old and 13 year old, so I've earned that patience the hard way". That of course is not true, I am the least patient with my own children and that seems to correspond with every other parents' experience! My response was simply a deflection of the compliment and I should have just thanked her for the nice compliment, but I didn't and why not?
I have a tendency to take critiscisms of myself very personally, especially external critiscism which agrees with my internal critics' view of myself. I also have a tendency to deflect compliments, especially if they contradict my internal critics' view of myself.
As I drove away I took a moment at a stop sign to close my eyes, relive the moment of the compliment and breathe it in. I wanted to reinforce the good moment, that I am patient, I did do a good job (even getting corresponding external validation) and that today was a success by all meaningful definitions.
Things may not have gone as planned, but I acted in a way which is congruent to the person I believe I am - unconditionally loving, kind and patient. That is a success regardless of the outcome.
Kids were running all over the place, not listening, complaining and one team was really losing the game we played. I thought of all the individual moments with kids where I was genuinely smiling, laughing, listening, patient, compassionate and helpful despite the "plan" falling apart.
Of all the successes of the day, zero of them revolve around any one kid gaining a soccer skill or getting "better". They were learning life skills: how to interact with other children and adults, that's it's ok to be "losing" and that it is the effort that counts, that they will be listened to by an adult when they have a need, that someone not their parent will help them and also that a coach can be one of the main things coaches are not generally thought of - loving.
I got to help them put on jerseys, held gloves and hats, tied shoes and ran around with them pretending to be birds, a t-rex and something I don't know what it was, but we all still pretended and had fun. I got high fives at the end, I like that.
While the stated job is to coach soccer, that's not really the job. The job is to be of service, be an example, be patient, be compassionate, be kind and be loving. If they learn something about soccer that is simply a bonus.
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Today also reminds me to compliment and thank people as they too have that critic in their head - we are all human, we all have doubts. Any small word of kindness may be what that person needs in order to know they did a good job and that their internal critic is wrong about them.
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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon.
If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com
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