Embrace Uncertainty
Everything in life is impermanent and constantly in a state of change. As humans we are born, we age and we die, it is the natural cycle of life. The same is true for everything else from particle physics to the greater universe. In science there is Entropy, the dispersion of energy or the constant change of systems from order to disorder. Everything changes, always.
Yet, even with this intellectual and scientific knowledge we still seek certainty and security in all aspects of life, then mentally suffer when we do not have certainty or "lose" security (sometimes just the thought of potentially losing security).
Much of our society and economic system is built around providing certainty and security to people through social structures and financial and materials things. While those things may be good, they too are impermanent and will one day go away, sometimes quicker and sometimes slower. Everything I have ever had in the past went away and all I have now will go away - people, jobs, companies, money, possessions and ultimately my life.
For myself, thinking about that loss and the uncertainty of when things would go away was causing extreme anxiety, ending ultimately in depression and substance abuse. I simply could not live with change and uncertainty. My brain wanted to to know what would happen and that the things I liked and loved would always be there. I was trapped in an existence of fear.
Fear was crippling in my life at many times. The result typically would be inaction as I could not deal with fear as the root emotion, so sitting in it and over thinking was my choice. Inaction and avoidance was the way I dealt with most situations, which normally led to something worse happening in the long run. It also was a way for me to opt out of making a decision and taking responsibility.
Fear does not exist anywhere but in our brains. It's the lizard brain alerting us to some risk, which is good, otherwise if we saw a bear in the woods we would say hello and not run away. Problem being, I have never seen a bear in the woods, my fear comes from loss of money, not providing for my children, loss of social status, people thinking "bad" about me and other relatively benign things compared to death.
Making decisions out of fear is not normally a good thing to do, so I could rationalize my inaction to some extent because the fear felt like I was always seeing a bear in the woods. All fear was that real.
How could I get to the root of the fear and become a happier person able to take correct action and make right choices?
1. Meditate on Death.
Death is a normal and required part of the human experience. To believe or think anything different is simply denial. Every person ever born has died and we aren't ever going to "re-born" as our same self from what I can see. All we have is Now, not the past and not the future, just Now.
I have been spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically dead at some point in my life. Having that experience gave me a perspective that death is imminent and also that life must be lived Now. I read a lot about death, meditate on death and talk about death, which makes me smile and gives me a sense of immediacy in what I do.
There is no "do-over" in life. We get one chance in each moment, there is no doing something in a next life or heaven. We can never do something tomorrow, we can only do something today.
2.Unconditionally Love.
We make decisions from fear or we make them from love. Using that framework makes it very easy to know what to do in all situations. Fear is my ego (small I) clinging to a false sense of certainty and security for myself. Love (big I) is choosing to do what is in right alignment with promoting the happiness and well being of all living beings, including myself.
It is hard to override the lizard brain inside me which has the sole goal of survival. It wants me to eat, drink, find shelter, make money and generally be comfortable so I do not die. This is not a bad thing of course, as if we are dead we cannot be of service to others, nor continue the species.
I have food, water, air, shelter, clothing and all of Maslow's base layer of hierarchy of needs. Making decisions to get more of those than I need, or any other external material item gives me a false sense of security. I do not need more. All I need is to give more love and all of my needs will be taken care of.
3. Mind the Gap.
All of life is a series of transitions from one thing to another. Today I woke up, made coffee, took my supplements, drank coffee, meditated and drove my car to the office. Every time I switched tasks there was a transition or gap. In the past these daily habits were simple and mindless tasks I did not give much thought to. What I try to do now is acknowledge I am transitioning from one thing to another and to do so mindfully, taking even just one breath in between to recenter myself in the present.
By practicing that simple, daily practice it enhances my ability to use it during major life transitions. Being able to acknowledge I am not in alignment with my higher purpose, that there needs to be significant change, that there is fear present and that I have the ability to take action and transition even with the presence of fear.
Fear cannot be fought off, the brain will win and keep me in a state of inaction. Fear can only be accepted and transformed through action. That happens by minding the gaps in my life. Once I take the action there may still be fear, but normally the excitement of change will trump that.
Sit in the fear, meditate on the fear, find the root of the fear in the gap and the fear will reduce. It will not go away until the action is taken though, meditation without action is simply self-torture in my experience.
Everything has always worked out in my life to have me sitting here writing this today. Therefore, I can judge nothing that happened in the past as "bad", it was simply necessary for me to learn and become the person I today here and now.
I remember going cliff jumping in junior high for the first time. I stood on the edge for minutes, although it felt like hours, before turning around and not jumping. I was frozen in the fear of all the negative potential outcomes - mainly major injury and death. I never thought about all the positive potential outcomes.
Later in high school, I jumped off the cliff. I was also intoxicated and while I still had some minor feelings of fear, drugs and alcohol allowed me to do what I had once not been able to. Of course I lived and was free from injury. I learned I could do hard things when intoxicated and took that on into the rest of my life, mostly making stupid decisions which ended poorly of course.
I have since learned intoxication is not a good method for overcoming fears, whether it's asking a girl to dance, changing careers or really anything. Still, it showed me that somewhere deep inside myself I had the ability to take action when experiencing fear. The key was finding the courage to act sober and the only way to do that was to simply do it - jump off the cliff. In doing so everything has worked out as I am still here alive.
I have a very analytical mind and can do some quite extensive mental probability charts of all the potential risks in life. I have found this to be more of a hindrance than benefit. My brain likes to focus on the negative outcomes and ignore the positive outcomes.
Why risk love when the potential for immense pain exists?
Why change what I have today for something which may cause loss in the future?
All I know is that I could never predict the future and could never have imagined the course of my life up to today. Everything is changing, so no matter what I do there is risk. Better to live life, love deeply and jump off the cliff than walk back down that cliff again and live a life of quite desperation and regret.
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Embrace uncertainty as it is the natural state of life and the physical universe. Think about our death, as we will all die one day, sometimes slower and sometimes quicker. Unconditionally love ourselves and everyone else. Mind the gaps and transitions in life as necessary. Then take the risk and just jump off the cliff.
Transform fear to Love. Ask someone to dance. Change college majors. Quit college or don't go. Change careers. Do what you love. Be true to yourself. Do only that which loves others, including yourself. If you live this way, you will always have what you need.
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If you like this blog please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon.
If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com
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