Do Not Lie to Your Children

Liam had a loose tooth and I said that the tooth fairy will come and leave him money for it if he puts it under his pillow. This is a lie of course. There is no tooth fairy, or santa or easter bunny or hundreds of other things we lie to small children about.

I felt immeditately bad for lying to him and doing what generations of parents have done before. So, why did I lie?

I was programmed to believe telling him this lie will somehow save him from some potential unknown negative emotion or suffering. I do not believe that is a good reason to lie, nor that it is a correct method to achieve the desired result = teaching him and helping him deal with any questions, concerns or fears about the event.

Also, it was more convenient for me to lie than sit down and explain to a 5 year old why his tooth fell out and the science behind it. Although I know engaging in that conversation and telling the truth would have taught him something and maybe had a positive effect on his mood or quelled any fears. Basically, it was easier for me to lie than tell the truth and I knew it immediately.

And really, he was excited to lose a tooth, not stressed or worried in any way. So my lie also meant I missed out on truly experiencing a really cool moment in his life, one which I could have shared in his excitement.

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The real effect is our children grow up and realize they have been lied to by their parents. This creates some disconnect in their brain between parents as being the people who love them unconditionally and protect them, versus the people who lied to them.

My parents lied to me, their parents lied to them, their parents lied to them and now I lie to my children. As a result, my children lie to me. It's a cycle of lying in every family, possibly for the entire existence of humans on the planet.

I teach my children not to lie, but of course am the largest example of a hypocrite in their life if I continue with the tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa claus, not to mention millions of other societal lies we say to our children.

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I had always had a difficult time trusting people, which seems completely rational based on being lied to by my parents, other family members, mates, partners, employees, coaches, teammates and well everyone else. My default lack of trust seems to be a normal conditioned response to the environment I was in, which is more than likely the same environment most other people are in too unfortunately. Lying does not discriminate.

But I learned I mainly had a hard time trusting people because I was lying as well, and that is my responsibility to change. 

It's amazing how the less I lied the more I trusted people, even understanding they would still lie to me sometimes. Now, I go into every situation believing the other person until evidence shows I should not. This is a much happier way of existence than believing everyone is lying and trying to screw me over.

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If I love my children (or anyone else) AND I love myself - the only correct action to take in all situations is to tell the truth. While I can intellectually understand this, it is of course difficult and uncomfortable at times. Love is not easy or convenient sometimes, so to maintain integrity with my vision to unconditionally love, I am required to tell the truth. Simple, not easy.

My favorite quote from Thoreau's Walden is "Rather than love, than money, than faith, give me truth. I sat at a table where rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequios attendance, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board."

I used to struggle with this quote because what is more important in life than love? While I was struggling, I realized I was reading "truth" as the "intellectual truth" or being right, and that is not more important than love.

Now I have come to understand there cannot be love without truth. Well, there cannot be true unconditional love without truth, and really, any other kind of "love" is not love anyway.

I say I unconditionally love my children, yet lie to them. This is what causes the discord and mental suffering, as lying and love are not compatible. It is ok to make mistakes, search inside and realize there is a better way. Part of why we are here is to learn and break the cycles which entrap us and future generations.

It's "new agey" to call not lying "Radical Honesty", but really it's just honesty and there is nothing radical about always being honest.

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If you like this post please check out my book "Letters to My Son: Choosing Yourself First" on Kindle through Amazon. 

If you want to chat about any topic, feel free to email me at douglashilbert@yahoo.com