I'm human and I make this commitment not to gossip daily and I fail daily. It's extremely difficult not to get sucked into gossip and saying something I wish I had not. Part of this is simply human nature and evolution.
Gossip was critical for the advancement of human society and commerce. As tribes got over 150 members, it became impossible to intimately know each person. Our ancestors relied on stories about people, told by other people, to know who to trust and engage with ~ this is essentially gossip.
Today gossip can be done person-to-person, person-to-group and person-to-world via social media. Gossip is very powerful for both the positive and the negative. TV is gossip, social media is gossip, the news is gossip, it's everywhere. Negative gossip is basically just complaining. So, I am specifically working on eliminating my negative gossiping while blocking out those external inputs of negative gossip.
When I negatively gossip, I immediately feel bad. I have this weird moment of fake power and energy while trashing someone or bitching about them and then within moments I feel like an asshole. So, not gossiping is directly related my personal well being. If someone did something I did not like, every time I gossip about it I relive it and re-experience those negative emotions. The person who did whatever I did not like experiences nothing. Gossip is like lighting myself on fire and hoping the other person burns.
Sometimes I have negative experiences with people, and those are best kept to myself unless someone directly asks me about my experience. If I am asked to comment on someone else, I do my best to be honest and comment on the persons' behavior, results or facts and not make critical comments about the person. It is hard not to personally criticize someone I had a negative experience with. I simply focus on not saying something that I would not say to that persons' face, and find this is a good practice.
Basically, negative gossip to me is walking around commenting about people for no reason other than gaining attention or trashing them or having some other nefarious agenda. As in the quote above, people who have no ideas talk about other people. Normally people have no ideas simply because they are too busy talking about other people. Spending more time focusing on improving myself and building positive behaviors significantly reduces the amount of time or desire I have to talk about anyone else. I'm more interested in what is good in my life and less interested in what is a waste of time and energy.
Gossip is contagious and quickly gains power in groups, overcoming even my best efforts at times. Gossip can be like an avalanche. Once one person starts a gossipy conversation a group can quickly race to the bottom of the trash within minutes. It becomes a gossip contest in some cases and it is interesting watch the dynamic unfold. Think about the drunk table of cackling women at lunch trashing their friends who are not there, like any episode of those Housewives shows. There is this huge momentum which is difficult to break and instantly everyone involved feels like crap internally and no one admits it and keeps gossiping.
Most people understand this but many of us, myself included, have a hard time stopping group gossip and breaking the pattern. It's almost a fear of not being negative within a negative tornado. Although being positive is the one thing I want to do, stopping a round robin of negative comments in a room is hard and my normal action is to remain silent and try to escape. Probably because I don't want to be gossiped about when I leave, but really that's a dumb fear because I have no control over whether someone gossips about me or not.
Fear of not being included is well rooted in the human brain. Humans are social creatures and we operate in tribes and groups, so we want others to like us. It's part of our survival hardwiring. Gossip in a positive manner is also hardwired as part of our evolution. The key is honing positive gossip and refraining from negative gossip. There are positive external results to this practice as more people may "like" me and speak positively about me to others, but at a minimum no one will gossip about me that I gossip a lot!
Have a great weekend and email me how you work on stopping negative gossip. I read and respond to all emails ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com
For past "Letters to My Son" blogs go to ~ doughilbert.blogspot.com
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