I'll nod, smile and agree instead because on some level they are correct, it's just not the most effective way to communicate with me or to affect any real change.
I intellectually know things could always be worse, all the way to "I could be dead". Sometimes dead seemed like a better option than what I was dealing with at the time. I am glad I am not dead now, but that does not make me grateful for anything.
Focusing on how much worse things could be never really made a lasting impact on my point of view of the current situation, it was just a fleeting fantasy in which I felt better for a small moment in time because someone else had it worse or I didn't have it worse. It's an inherently negative mental exercise.
What I have found works better is a positive mental exercise = Writing Gratitude Lists.
Focusing on the positive things, people, events or anything that are actually present in my real life taps into the positive energy in myself and gets my brain to attach to something with a lasting affect. Sometimes it's brutally difficult to come up with anything, and things such as air make the list.
There is no right or wrong way to do this, and now there are some weird things I end up writing down. Such as people who piss me off or try to screw me. Why? Well, instead of holding my anger towards them, I am grateful they are giving me an opportunity to work on my anger and transform it to love.
When is a good time to write a Gratitude List? Anytime! I find it helpful to schedule a practice to ensure I do it everyday. I prefer to write mine in the evening as I usually wake up in a pretty good mood. If you wake up in a crappy mood, I'd suggest doing a gratitude list in the morning... and evening.
Anytime I am fearful, angry, frustrated, annoyed or experiencing any other negative mindset I will try to do a gratitude list. Sometimes there are some big mental blocks and I'll get mad at myself for suggesting a gratitude list, I want to be pissed off right now! If I'm in a real negative feedback loop or black hole I need to do some mindful breathing first. Maybe I need 10 deep breaths or maybe only 1, but it always works.
It is important to write it with a pencil and paper. Maybe get a small notebook even, but thats not necessary. I've used napkins, scrap paper, receipts, toilet paper or anything I could write on before. I do not use an app or my phone, it's just not the same to me for some reason.
How many? As many as you can or as few as you can. For my evening practice I have set a fixed minimum of 3. For impromptu sessions I'll just write as many as I can in 60 seconds. If I only get one then that's good enough. If the 60 seconds expires and I have nothing written then I have predetermined I will be grateful for air. I don't want to beat myself up for failing at writing a gratitude list when already in a negative mental state and really, I am grateful for air, it's not made up.
I'd love to hear your experiences with Gratitude Lists or other techniques to foster gratitude in your life. I read and respond to all emails ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com
For past "Letters to My Son" blogs go to ~ doughilbert.blogspot.com
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