For myself, I find it very difficult to say 'no' to people. Maybe it's an insecurity that I want people to like me and I do not want to disappoint them. Of course, I am assuming I have control over what anyone else thinks or feels. I was always a little jealous of people who could say 'no' and never feel the slight bit guilty.
So, in the past always saying yes to everything and everyone led to major overextending, burn out, being mediocre at everything and generally falling short in every aspect of life and ultimately failing at everything and disappointing everyone. So, saying yes ended up being a major negative.
When in the dumps, I would then isolate myself because then no one would ask me anything and I would never have to say yes or no to them. This isolation was really just a way of avoiding real life and giving in to the fear of other people and the unknown. It was not a long term solution as I do like being social and having friends and family.
Always saying 'yes' is basically a form of co-dependency, I'm trying to control the other persons' opinion of me and their thoughts and feelings. I believe if I say 'yes' they will be happy, when in reality it probably doesn't matter if I say yes or no to whatever they want.
The key to happiness and success is that I have to say 'no' to things and people because I only have so much time in the day. It is logistically impossible to accomplish everything when I say 'yes' to everything. It always led to hectic lifestyle, scrambling around from thing to thing and never giving anything my 100% focus and effort. I was never mentally present in any task and just getting by in all aspects of life.
It is a difficult personal change for me to go from always saying 'yes' to being able to say 'no'. It really takes practice and work. I'm purposefully saying no to at least one thing a day, whether I can accommodate it or not. I'm not doing that with say helping someone in an emergency or feeding my kids per se, but something that isn't a big deal and won't be a major life disruptor.
I have found the more organized and committed to my personal care routine I am, the easier it is to say no to some things. I have to put the request against something I need to do for myself, like meditate, cook, workout, walk or write for example. If I'm going to give up something I need to do for myself that day, then what I am saying yes to needs to have some lasting and intrinsic value as well.
Basically, I have to make myself a priority before I make anyone else a priority. This is a major paradigm shift in my life. I always thought making other people more important than myself was 'good' and people who put themselves first were 'selfish'.
I also need to say no to things I really am not competent or good at. Doing things I am not competent at for someone is really not serving them and myself at the same time. For example, I am not a car mechanic, if someones' car isn't running and they call me, I am pretty useless. I might be able to give them a ride, but I can't fix their car. I might be able to google the issue, pretend I know how to fix it and then half-ass trying, but all I did was waste their and my time. That's a pretty obvious example, but it makes the point.
There is nothing more frustrating than asking someone to do something, they say yes and really they have no clue how to do it. It's a huge set-up for failure and everyone being upset down the road. It takes some foresight to say no, to realize that the end result will ultimately be worse than the temporary discomfort of saying no.
I am a big work-in-progress on this one. It's hard sometimes to know what to say 'yes' to or what to say 'no' too. A good baby step in this process has been learning to say "I don't know" or "Can I get back to you" or "I need to check my schedule" in order to really think about what I want to do and if I have time to do it.
Another crucial step is being able to change my mind and say 'no' in the middle of something that isn't working. This is not quitting, this is realizing I have agreed to do something that is not serving me or the other person and that there is a better option or better person out there that can help. This is an exercise in letting go of my ego and admitting I'm not the best person for the job.
So far no one has called me selfish, I'm happier, I'm more productive and I'm performing at a higher level in the things I am truly committed too now. It's still not always easy, but I have learned it's better to be happy with myself than trying to manage other people being happy with me, which I really have no control over.
Let me know how you deal with life's demands and people needing you, co-dependency and anything else which relates. I read and respond to all emails ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.com
For past "Letters to My Son" blogs do to doughilbert.blogspot.com
Check out my new Blog "Ask Hilbert", where I'll answer your questions on health, fitness, wellness, diet and competitive sports ~ askhilbert.blogspot.com
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