It's hard.
I do not meditate every day. It is my goal or intention to meditate every day and I fail to meet that goal or intention from time to time. The laundry list of excuses why I do not meditate is endless, literally. I could use anything for an excuse not to meditate, even though I know the benefits, both intellectually and spiritually.
It is said the brain is like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, which it is. I prefer the metaphor of a dog on a leash, pulling its' owner all over the place on a walk. The dog is walking the owner, not the owner walking the dog. Just as my brain is controlling my true self, not my true self controlling my brain.
I practice Vipassana, which is "insight" meditation. I have practiced with Buddhist monks, nuns and lay persons at temples and other centers, as well as on retreats. From day one I was taught to focus on the breath and just observe the thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations that arise. 6 years later I am doing the same thing. It is a practice and in my practice, there is no goal, I just observe.
If my meditation had a goal, I'd fuck it up by trying too hard to achieve it, like most americans. When I want something, especially if its' good for me, then I want it now, I want more of it and I ruin it. I don't really have an "off" switch when I'm engaged in something I like, especially with a goal. So, all I do is meditate and observe what happens, nothing else. I may move on in my practice at some time in my life and maybe I will not.
I have a love-hate relationship with meditation. I, my true self, loves it because of the concentration, focus and other positive qualities I develop and hone. My brain hates it because the brain does not want to be trained or controlled, just like that untrained dog on a leash fighting its' owner. There are days now when I meditate and it is more challenging or difficult than the first time I ever meditated. There are days when the timer goes off and I feel like I just sat down and it took little effort.
I now meditate for 20 minutes a day. That seems to be enough time where I can get past the initial sensory overload, body aches and racing thoughts about what's going on that day or "important". I used to sit for 40-60 minutes and have done up to 2 hours at one time. I think that is some of my resistance now as I am judging 20 minutes to not be as "good" as 40 or 60 or 120 minutes. Really, it doesn't matter, it's the brain lying to me.
I sit, mostly cross legged now (it does not need to be done in lotus position floating in mid air) and I simply count my breaths... "One, this is my in breath; One, this is my out breath; Two, this is my in breath; Two, this is my out breath..." and so on up to 10 and then reverse back down to 1.
When I lose count, and I always do at some point, I simply take a deep breath and start over at 1. I do not judge myself as bad or say I messed up. I simply smile, relax and just start anew. Even if I could do it perfectly, what does it matter, I don't win meditation by being perfect.
When I try too hard to concentrate on the counting I'll blow past 10 and get to 25 before I notice I didn't stop. When I am absent minded, normally chasing thought rabbits down holes, I'll forget to count entirely and engage in the fantasy my brain is presenting me. Either way, I just observe it, catch myself, recenter and start over at 1.
The main things I have learned from meditation are:
- I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS
- I AM NOT MY FEELINGS
- I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS
- I AM NOT MY BRAIN
- I AM NOT MY 5 SENSES
- I AM NOT MY BODY
I am the one watching those things, The Observer. I am who I am, that is it. No labels, no attachments to the body or brain and the thoughts, feelings and emotions it delivers to me.
I'd love to hear your experiences with meditation and would love to help anyone getting started. I read and answer all emails ~ douglashilbert@yahoo.comFor all past "Letters to my Son" blogs visit ~ doughilbert.blogspot.com
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