I was going to quit and just drown

I'm 100 yards into the swim of the long course world triathlon championships in Sweden and I think I'm going to drown and die. There are safety personnel in canoes on the course to scoop out people who are done, quitting or dying. It starts to seem like a good idea to waive one down and give up to be pulled to safety as I'm hyperventilating and not really swimming forward.

The swim start was at 8am and we weren't really allowed to get into the water to acclimate to the 60 degree water. The cannon goes off and I'm not really warmed up or ready to go, I don't think I actually even had my goggles on yet.

I dive in and the immediate physical reaction to the cold water mixed with adrenaline is like getting a huge electrical shock. Panic sets in quickly. Trying to swim while hyperventilating is about impossible, like having an arm or two tied behind my back and someone punching me in the chest. Nothing is working correctly.

My brain is in complete freak out mode short circuiting my bodys' ability to perform on a any level, creating a negative feedback loop in which drowning and dying seem more and more likely as each second passes. I have gone from the excitement of starting the race to wanting to quit in 5 minutes. I'm eyeing the canoes for a savior and also thinking maybe I'd rather just drown than face myself and others saying "I quit".

I had traveled 4,400 miles to do this race. I had completed a half Ironman to qualify for this race. I had prepared and trained for 9 months to do this race. I had trained for years to qualify and be able to do this race distance. I had sacrificed other things in my life to train and to be able to race. Those thoughts began to compete with the negative thoughts for my focus and attention.

I stopped and just floated for a while, it feels like about an hour and was really maybe 15-30 seconds. I took some deep breaths and started to relax. I rolled over onto my back and took some easy backstrokes with some very deep breaths. I just kept breathing and focusing on the in and out to relax. I hit a mental and physical "reset" button and gave myself a "do-over". What had happened was over and done.

I was not going to quit and I was not going to die. All the negative thoughts my brain was presenting me were there to "help" preserve my life. I made the choice to ignore them and to continue. I was not going to give up and regret that decision the rest of my life. I was not going to throw away everything building up to this moment.

I still had 2.3 miles to swim at that point, which was a daunting task even without the initial problems. Still, I would rather have died than quit at this point. I also knew I wasn't going to die at this point, so my only choices were continue or quit. I knew the swim was going to be hard and I decided I was going to swim and I was going to finish. I turned over and started to swim slow and counted strokes to focus on swimming and not thinking.

I made a mental plan to swim 100 stokes freestyle and then swim 20 stokes backstroke for a while to stay relaxed and just make some small incremental progress. Focusing on 2 more miles to go for 2 miles would have been mental torture. Eventually I got into a groove where I dropped the backstroke out and just swam freestyle and made each buoy the next incremental goal. Within 30 minutes I had gone from wanting to die to swimming fairly well.

I got out of the water on the 2.5 mile swim in 1 hour and 22 minutes, which actually was a good time for myself and decent compared to the competition, not even the slowest. My initial goal for the swim was 1 hour and 15 minutes, so 7 minutes in what would be a 7hr 49minute race wasn't really that big of a deal. I went on to get pelted by hail on the 75 mile bike and run 18.6 miles in pain and none of it mattered, I was going to keep going and I was going to finish. It would have taken a severe injury or act of nature to stop me at this point.

 What are some things I learned?
- Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.
- Every feeling is temporary and impermanent.
- Don't quit, it will get better, then get crappy again, it doesn't matter so Just Keep Going.
- When I'm freaking out and in panic mode, Stop and Breathe.
- I'm allowed to use the "reset button" and give myself "do-overs".

This is my second greatest race experience and learning lesson, behind only the Ironman. The confidence I gained from this race, all the training, all the obstacles and overcoming difficulties are some of the things I still pull from today when life gets hard. This race was 10 years ago and still makes a positive difference in my life and hopefully sharing my experience makes a positive difference in at least one persons' life today .

I'd love to hear what experiences changed your life and helped you learn about yourself and overcome difficulties. I read and respond to all emails: douglashilbert@yahoo.com