Today I had a dentist appointment... because something was wrong. Actually, something had been wrong for a while, but I waited and procrastinated until I thought I might need teeth removed before actually doing something about it. I had not been to the dentist since January 2012 apparently, or that's factually, so I had not been in 2 years and 10 months.
Why not? Well I likely cancelled an appointment and then making a new one landed on my to-do list and well, it just never got done. At a certain point I knew I needed to go and created a mental block of not wanting to go b/c I'd be embarrassed for not going and now having issues. I also didn't want to know the bad news, so out of fear I was avoiding going and potentially hearing something negative. Of course, I did not know what was wrong and when I left today, everything will be fine, so my worst fears weren't even close to reality. FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real.
I am and have been notoriously horrible at routine maintenance in all aspects of my life. For example, right now I'm a few thousand miles over the 10,000 miles between oil changes. I know I'm over mileage, it's on a sticker on my windshield, the car digitally tells me every time I turn it on, it's not expensive to do and not really even a large time commitment. I just haven't gotten to it yet.
I started a To-Do list in the notes section of my iPhone... The dentist was on there for a while and when I made the appointment Tuesday, I noticed I had not updated my to-do list for 22 days... Not so effective apparently. The oil change is on there, along with making a medical appointment, getting a bid on fixing my windshield, calling a plumber and meeting my tattoo artist. Nothing life or death there, but they are things hanging open I am not getting done.
Not going for my dental cleaning or oil change on time do not directly result in a catastrophe the next day, but they can over 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or 10 years. With the distance between the negative consequences and the lack of action today there is a mental disconnect which appears. I can rationalize putting it off another day b/c "what's one more day"... Until one more day becomes one year or my car breaks down, home falls apart or health fails.
Mentally, the small dings to my self esteem for not completing anything on my to-do list leads to me ignoring the existence of the list altogether, problem being I still know it's there. I just keep battling myself, rationalizing, mentally masturbating and eventually just saying "fuck it, I don't care". It never really goes away and nothing improves until I simply just complete the items on the list. Again, none of them are hard to do in any way. The only roadblock in the situation appears to be me, so the solution lies in changing me.
Maintenance is not exciting, in my opinion it is boring and safe and normal and thus, maintenance and my self-image don't really mesh well. Maintenance is conforming and I say "fuck the man and fuck the system" and then my teeth fall out or car breaks down. Not getting my oil changed or teeth cleaned doesn't make me a rebel or maverick, it makes me irresponsible. I assume even the Hells Angels do routine maintenance on their motorcycles.
I also like to live free and not under the control of others or systems or whatever, mostly to my own self detriment at times. When I was young I was going to grow up and do whatever the hell I wanted, when I wanted and now look at how that worked out! It's a good day when I make my bed, brush my teeth and floss, meditate, workout, eat well, go to bed at a normal time and all kinds of other "normal" basic things. I can accomplish great things which require great effort, like an Ironman triathlon, but try to get me to make my bed every morning and it becomes a challenge.
Basically I have ADD, until I find something to OCD about... That pretty much explains how the monkey brain operates this thing called Doug. The ADD is easily bored and not stimulated by such boring things like oil changes and it seeks around all day looking for something exciting to get into... When the ADD finds the excitement it then turns the OCD on and I'm hooked. I've known this for some time, so unfortunately intellectual knowledge did not solve the problem.
In the past I have been extremely OCD with my schedule, training and diet and drove myself fucking insane trying to perfectly complete it on a daily basis... Thus, my next strategy was to simply have no schedule and just make shit up daily as I go. I can't obsess over something that doesn't exist, so problem solved right? Not so much. I traded the stress of trying to be perfect with the stress of being totally out of control and having to react to everything. So, I've tried each extreme end of the spectrum and neither works for me.
So what works that I've found???
First, I needed to change my opinion of maintenance to one where it benefits me. I benefit with lower costs of not fixing large problems, I benefit with increased self-esteem from completing goals, I benefit as my health, vehicle and home are in better condition, I benefit with decreased future stress, and so on... It's so responsible sounding I feel old!
Second, I needed to change my opinion of myself. I can still be a maverick, rebel, free or whatever and also maintain things I need in my life, especially my health. The two are not mutually exclusive and really it's not cool to be irresponsible, which is what I was really being.
Third, I implemented some tools to assist:
Meditation - An antidote for ADD and OCD... My meditation practice is designed to increase Mindfulness. ADD is being distracted and jumping from thing to thing until I find something to OCD, obsess, about. Then I'm lost for hours down the rabbit hole of whatever I'm OCD over. Mindfulness meditation practice teaches me to focus on something, my breath, and when I lose focus I simply refocus, over and over and over. This helps me stay focused in the rest of the normal/routine day and also allows me to notice when I am obsessing over something and being able to detach from it sooner to not waste time.
Lift.do - It's a website (www.lift.do) where I enter my goals, how many times a week or day I want to do them, then I go in and check them off when I do them. It's all public and there are many other people doing the same thing. There is something to setting goals, even simple ones, and making them public so I am accountable. I don't know any of the other people on the website, but for some reason I feel like I need to do the things I set goals for b/c I want to check off I did it.
My 4 goals on Lift right now:
1. Meditate Daily
2. Blog 5 days per week
3. No email before Breakfast (I've actually changed mine to 10am)
4. No alcohol
A great resource for working on this is the Checklist Manifesto by Atul Gawande
http://atulgawande.com/book/the-checklist-manifesto/
I'd love to hear your scheduling routine, tips and other ideas!
I read and reply to all emails - douglashilbert@yahoo.com
No comments:
Post a Comment